Thursday, May 24, 2012

What I Like About You

I had lunch with an old friend yesterday and it was the first time she had met Mina, and Sara, as a mommy. We spent our time talking about social work, crazy jobs, crazy people, and being mommies. As we were talking about mommy-hood, she asked me what my favorite thing about being a mom was, what I loved the most.

A simple question. Or is it?

 "Psshhhh, I dunno?!" Was my first reaction. Then, "I love everything about it!" How cliche. (And not true by the way.)  I don't love everything about being a mom, some things are really difficult, but there are a lot of things I do love. 

The thing I love the most about being a mom is the me I become when I love her. I am different. I am selfless. My diva-ness that I tend to have, is put aside. My needs, my desires, are hers. I think of her first. I dream for her. I cry for her. My future plans are viewed through a lense of what is best for her. She has helped me be this person. I love that.  

I love to see her grow, see her look at me as if I am all she will ever need. I love that when I walk in the room, she smiles. She laughs at my funny faces and my funny noises and holds on tight when I pick her up. She loves me simply because I am me. Her mommy. She doesn't ask questions, give ultimatums or make demands. She just loves. 

I love my mom being able to see me as a mom. I see the pride in her eyes as she watches me learn and grow and develop into a mom I hope she always wished I would be.

I love the growth of my husband and I's relationship. We are no longer just husband and wife, we are mommy and daddy. I love that we jokingly fight over who loves her more and who contributed more to her perfect-ness (I did of course.) I love that we look at each other and silently give each other the "good job." I love seeing him as a father, his pride.

I love that we share a bond that will never be broken. 

I love her. 

                 Some things are hard, but most things are beautiful. Most things, I love

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Every Knee Shall Bow

Here I am, back to God. Back to my discussion, back to my search. Of course I would always come back, right? My blog tonight is inspired by a longtime dear friend, Pam, who has been dealt a heavy heavy blow this year. Recently we chatted about her heart, and what God has to do with it.

Pam's dad recently passed away from a horribly fast acting scary cancer that came and went and took his sweet life in almost a blink of an eye. Having a family of strong, unwavering awe-inspiring faith, I KNEW that God would not forsake them. If if anyone would be healed from the prayers of the masses, it would be Pam's daddy. How could He ignore so many voices crying out to Him? How could He do nothing? His cancer was advanced, but no one thought he would go, God was on their side. However, away he did go. Too fast. Too soon. Leaving six children and a wife searching for answers.



Pam tried to explain to me the ache of losing her daddy all while still trying to love God. And I tried to understand. We discussed and she tried to teach me. Despite her anger with God, despite her questions, despite her tired body and aching heart and crying eyes, she shows me where God is. She vouches for God. She tries to show ME where God is in her dad's passing.

We discussed if God steps in when we pray. A question I have struggled with tremendously on this journey. We discussed what life on Earth means to us, and what it means to God. Life on Earth is a blink of an eye to God, a pit stop to eternity. Yes, He hurts when we hurt, when our dad's die, but they were just taking a little bathroom break on the way to their eternal home. Earth is not where we belong. Earth is certainly not where Pam's dad belonged, his home is in Heaven. But does that make it hurt any less? Absolutely not.

Pam taught me that is OK to question. To be angry. To stand up and walk away. God can handle it. But eventually, every knee shall bow.

I hope when I bow before God that he knows, which of course he will, how much I searched. How much I longed for a relationship with him. I will continue to pray and search until I find him. And ultimately, myself.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

What am I doing here?

My brain and heart are going crazy lately. I am becoming much more comfortable and confident in my role as a Christian, or perhaps, still, a doubting Christian, and the work and prayers and hard road that identity I so much longed for, has taken me one. However, the role as a mommy, or more specifically, a stay at home mommy, has thrown me for a loop. I am screaming. Now, I try to tread lightly on this topic as most of my friends are in the workforce, two of my closest, are actually the breadwinners of the family, while daddy stays home with the little. This, I am afraid, is definitely a "grass is greener on the other side" predicament. 

A stay at home mom. Oh how lovely! Mommy surely will get to sleep in until 10 am (because babies sleep all the time) and while daddy is away at work we will play with our toys and mommy will tune in to "The Today Show" and "Dr. Phil" and sip hot tea. Later in the day we will take the dogs on a walk and BOY, you sure do love to hear the birdies chirp and watch the cars pass by, and with all this walking we are doing mommy will lose 20 pounds. Then we'll come home and you'll take your 2 hour nap, mommy may take a little nap with you...or maybe she'll bake some cookies to take to the play group tomorrow. Oh daddy's home! Time to cook dinner and get you your bath. Now, sssshhhhhh, Night night, baby!

How pretty. How....suburban. How Truman Show-ish. How fake. 

This doesn't happen, but this is what I thought happened. Or thought should? happen.....? 

What am I doing? I love my daughter, she is my heart and soul. But is this what I'm doing now? 

My day is a slightly more realistic, everyday, monotonous experience. Even the "dream" stay at home mom scenario I mocked above about bored me to tears. And that's the dream! My husband tells me that I have the most important job in life: to raise our children, when I ask is this all I am? Is this what I've become? 

I find myself searching online for social work jobs so I can put on my slacks and my fancy blouses and my high heels and head out the door in the morning to my wonderful, fulfilling job. Helping people quit their addictions and deal with their anger and forgive their mothers and confront their demons, all while my little pumpkin plays and laughs and interacts with other little pumpkins at the daycare she hates to leave when I come to pick her up after work. 

Oh but that's just a dream as well, isn't it? Where is my middle ground? How do I not lose myself? How do I raise my children and be present and thankful for my precious time with them as they are babies and toddlers, but feel I am doing more than heating bottles and examining poop. Folding clothes and grocery shopping. It's a delicate balance, one I am realizing desperately needs more practice. 


Sunday, March 11, 2012

Geez Louise!

Hi, my name is Sara. Remember me? Last time we talked I was wondering when it would EVERRRR be time to get off the massive head-exploding hormonal roller coaster called pregnancy. Well, the time came. Two and a a half months ago. Sorry I didn't give you more notice to prepare and get excited. I was the last to know, trust me. I'll spare you the gory details....for now....but our little princess came a whoppin' 3 weeks early! Healthy and perfect as can be!! 7 pounds even, 20 1/2 inches long. She has big ol' feet and hands like her daddy and her mommy's nose (poor gal.) Daddy also blessed her with long pretty eyelashes. I haven't had time to blog it up since the little miss was born, for obvious reasons.  My brain is filled to capacity and swirls and swishes and bubbles over and leaves little room for me to remember to change out of my pajamas by 3 p.m. or brush my teeth, let alone chat with you all.

However, things are starting to slow down. Miss Mina Louise (now I get your title, Sara) is beginning to settle into somewhat of a sleeping schedule, thank you Jesus, and is usually counting sheep by 8 p.m. these days. 8 p.m.?! What in God's green Earth shall a new mommy do with 2-3 hours of free time in the evening?! I can think of 1,237,764 things. Oh the blessing/burden/pure joy/craziness that is being a mommy. If I'm lucky, I get to watch a little DVR, take a shower, and get to bed early enough to feel a little rested by the time the beautiful beast wakes me up to eat at 2-3 am. Sometimes in bed(more times than I would prefer), instead of falling asleep, I am plagued with mommy brain. Here are some examples of things that occupy my mind instead of drifting off into dreamland......

-The no brainer: Is she breathing?
-Is she swaddled too tight?
-What if her face itches, her hands aren't free!
-What if she rolls over and her face is pushed against the side of the bassinet and she can't move herself away because she is swaddled! (Yes, I have a lot of swaddle fears, however, the magic the swaddle performs on -her sleeping outweighs my irrational fears.....most of the time)
-Did she get enough to eat today?
-What time will she wake up in the middle of the night to eat?
-I hope it's past 2 a.m.
-I hope it's before 4 .a.m
-I hope she sleeps until 7 a.m.
-Will she nap tomorrow?
-What does say about that?
-My boobs hurt
-I'm sick of breastfeeding
-I'm happy I stuck with breastfeeding
-I'm a bad wife
-I don't cook dinner enough
-I don't give the dogs enough attention
-They probably hate me
-Did Mina just make a noise?
-I wish I could sleep
-You better fall asleep!
-You only have a few hours!
-Hurry up!
-Did I take a shower today?
-Did I take a shower yesterday?
-I need to take more pictures of the baby
-I need to be in more pictures with the baby
-How long can I wear maternity jeans?
-I've probably crossed that line
-Dang it
-I feel fat
-I better lose the rest of this weight
-I'm not eating tomorrow
-We'll go for a walk tomorrow, up that really big hill down the street
-I hate Jeremy for sleeping so easily
-Is that poop I smell?

But doesn't she just make you want to DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It makes absolutely no sense when people say "I could just eat her up!" But yet, how perfectly it does.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Is that a stretch mark I see?

So I was laying in bed the other day and had an itchy tummy, near my abdomen. So I itched it. Mid itch I remembered.....itchy tummy....preggo...DUN DUN DUN! Stretch mark alert! So I got up (slowly no doubt) and went to the bathroom to check it out. It was very low under my belly so I had to do a weird lift-up-the-baby- check out the situation down there move and low and behold....a stretch mark. I thought I was pretty bad-ass for going this long without getting one, but here it is upon us (me.) Now don't even think about rolling your eyes and saying "Ugh, now she's complaining about stretch marks?! She's pregnant! She needs to get over it!"

 I'm over it. As a matter of fact, I was never really....under it? I have the (un) fortunate blessing of going through the "OMG STRETCH MARKS" ordeal lonnngggg ago when I was a bit of a tubby gal in high school, so I already have them. Getting a few now is definitely not going to be as traumatic as it is for those poor girls who have never had a stretch mark in their life until pregnancy. I just hope my body doesn't get all greedy and think that since I already have some it can go bananas. I don't think so body! But who am I kidding? When in the last 9 months has my body cared what Sara thought? Never. :) 

So anyways, here I am. Creeping up on 35 weeks preggo and I am officially. over. it. I thought I was officially over 10 weeks ago. And 5 weeks ago, I'm sure in 4 weeks I will be like "NO, NOW I AM OFFICIALLY OFFICIALLY OVER IT!" But for now, it's officially official. I crossed some invisible pain/torture/uncomfortable barrier this week. Where everything was going alright, my belly was no doubt making walking, sleeping, etc. a bit harder, but I was dealing with it alright, a big thanks to my chiropractor who was keeping my back, hips and neck in pretty decent shape every week. However, this week, something changed. I believe I have enough collateral information to decide that I think she has dropped, which I'm sure is the culprit. It's like I've turned a corner into the black abyss. I can no longer walk without moaning. I can no longer get off the couch without the hubs pulling me up. I can't sleep. Ever. My back and hips are in such excruciating pain it's amazing. I went to my weekly chiropractor appt on Wed and the only thing he successfully adjusted was my neck. He said everything in my back was too tight. Grrrrrr. He has been my saving grace for a few months and now, the poor sucker is worthless! :) OK, a little dramatic there, my apologies. I stretch, use a heating pad and hot showers like nobody's business. It takes the edge off a bit, but dang peeps! This is crazy! My biggest frustration is most of my pain is in my low back, and I cannot seem to find any stretch that stretches that part. The hubs says touching your toes is the only one he can think of, and if you saw me try to attempt to touch my toes at this point in the game, you would die of hysterics.

So here I am, in what I feel (hope) is the final stretch (no pun intended) of the never-ending pregnancy journey.

~I'm so sorry dear baby girl of mine, but please don't be surprised when mommy is just as excited to see you as she is to not be pregnant anymore. Oh and by the way, you are soooo GROUNDED! Love, Mommy~

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

"You drank all the milk?!"

Alright now peeps. I imagine some of you know, most of you probably don't, but, my husband, LOVES milk. Loves it. Obviously major cereal eating in the morning, glasses of milk with meals, glasses of milk with snacks, glasses of milk just because, etc. etc.....understand? Now, me, on the other hand, not a big milk kinda gal. Before I was pregnant I was rarely hungry for breakfast so I didn't eat a lot of cereal unless the mood hit me at a weird time, like lunch or for a snack. Drinking milk with a meal was unheard of, so, my milk drinking usually was limited to the occasion cookie or piece of cake.

However, as ol' Bobby Dylan would say, Times....they are a changin'. In fact, times have changed. Changed big. And bad. Soup Nazi? Seinfield? Awwww, yes, we know. Just call me the Milk Nazi. I have officially put strict rules and regulations in place regarding the milk in our household. Just tonight I sternly told my poor husband that milk was off limits to him (since we were running low) until further notice. I MUST eat cereal in the morning. It is my staple pregnancy breakfast.

Usually he likes to drink milk before bed, perhaps bring it to the bedroom, drink it while he messes around on the laptop before bed a little. Nope. Think again buddy. NO SOUP FOR YOU!

If there is not enough milk for me to have a generous helping for my morning cereal, dear husband WILL go to the gas station by our house, whenever I happen to discover the horror of this fact. Usually I don't discover the lack of milk until midnight or so, poor guy.

Before I was pregnant, a gallon wouldn't last TOO long because hubs has always loved milk, but now that two of us are drinking the stuff, keeping an ample supply is rough. We have started to become smart and try to keep two gallons in the fridge at all times. I don't require many things as far as food goes in this pregnancy, but milk and cereal are definitely required. He had a hard time adjusting to sharing the milk at the beginning of this journey, but has adapted. It is now ingrained in his mind that if he does not leave an adequate amount for my needs, bad things happen. Bad bad things.

Anywhos: I don't feel like catching you up on ALL of the preggo factoids this time around as it is a little time consuming and not much has actually changed. However, here are the highlights:

1. I'm a fat @#%. bahahahahahahha. Kidding people, just wanted to get you a little rawled up since I know you hate it when I say things like that.

2. Today we hit 28 weeks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Woohooooo!!! Which starts the 3rd and FINAL trimester, and also starts the every two week OB appts. I'm VERY excited about both of these facts. I'm always look forward to my OB appts, and waiting a month in between them was no fun.

3. With the 28 week mark usually comes the gestational diabetes test. I took mine this morning. Actually, I should say, TRIED to take mine. I drank the orange sugary drink which actually didn't taste as bad as people made it out to be, however, my tummy just didn't feel like having company, so....up it came. I was extremely frustrated with myself as I knew they would just force me to drink it again and again until I kept it down. However, after chatting with my OB he said we could just test my sugar levels at my appts from here on out instead of repeatedly trying to not puke up that junk. So, I opted for that road instead.

4. I was also, of course, weighed at my appt today. Since 24 weeks, I've gained...another 7 pounds. That puts me at....ahemmm....27. *Scream* It's rough to think about, but really, what can I do? I have to eat when I'm hungry. I can walk more, yes. I could eat a little better, yes. Which I am trying to do. But other than that, it is what it is. Let's hope it comes off *fairly* easily after the little miss arrives.....

Friday, October 14, 2011

Can't she be something yummier than an eggplant?


I am officially....HUGE. I am not going to say I'm FAT because every time I use the word fat, or tub of lard (hehe) or whatever word that best describes how I'm feeling at the moment, people's first response is..."You aren't FAT! YOU ARE PREGNANT!" Duh people. :) Every time I see myself in the mirror I am shocked. I keep saying..."I didn't know it was going to be like this..." "What is happening to me?!"...."There is no way I can get bigger than this!!"...."How am I supposed to grow for three more months?!" It is frightening. Very very frightening. Like jaw on the ground, how in the helicopter am I suppose to have a 7 POUND CHILD IN THERE?! I AM HUGE ALREADY?! 

I just got back from two weeks visiting friends in family in KS. My lovely friends threw a shower for me and that day while getting ready I had this "I am looking pretty good! Hair is good, makeup good, maternity dress looks cute, I am a cute pregnant lady, woohooooo" attitude. Then I saw the pictures from the shower. O. M. G. My poor little self had a BIG skewed view of what I reallllyyy looked like. :) Like an obese person seeing a skinnier person in the mirror because their mind isn't able to see the real them. It was a sad realization. But, good that I caught the problem early. Now I know that: 

1. Black is a must from here on out. Black leggings, black shirts, and hopefully SOON, black sweaters. 

2. Sleeveless shirts/dresses are off limits. My arms are just too big. I read a pregnancy book about the time in pregnancy when you really just need to put the sleeveless clothes away. Don't be in denial. :) I thought, "Hey! Maybe I'll be one of those hot mami's that only gain weight in their tummy and the rest of their body looks great and slim." Nope. Not even close. 

3. A spray tan would do me good. This is hard to justify to the old hubs because he knows it costs money and doesn't last too long. My response to this is, first of all, SHUT UP! ;) And, I can't work out and be skinny, I can't fake tan in a booth, I can't lay out in the sun, I have limited options in the "Make Sara feel pretty" department. A cute hairstyle and getting your nails done only goes so far. :) A nice little tanned glow would do me good I think.  Being tan also makes you look slimmer, which oh brother I need. Now don't get all excited and think I'm going all Jersey Shore orange tan. Just a very subtle glow. I'm pregnant people, I'm supposed to glow!!! 

One and a half more weeks and we will be 28 weeks and in the third trimester. Have I mentioned that this pregnancy is THE LONGEST 9 (10) MONTHS OF MY LIFE?!?!??! I swear it is never ending. And the big and fat pregnancy uncomfortable-ness has definitely set in. Back pain is insane. Acid reflux came like a beast about a week or so ago.  I am now squatting to pick things up instead of bending over. Jeremy has to give me a little boost to get off the couch. It's just all really surreal to me. He looked at my belly and giggled tonight. I knew what he was thinking. I was thinking the same thing. Where in the heck did that thing come from?! It's funny that when you try to get pregnant, all you think about is the end result: the baby. We want to be parents, we want a child. We didn't think about what happens in between getting pregnant and popping that sucker out. Weeeeirrrrdddd stuff happens. My tummy looks like a grizzly bear's tummy, did I mention that? Is ALL that hair REALLLY necessary? Come on now. 

I could go on and on with all of the really bizarre surreal stuff that has happened, is happening, will happen during this time. PLEASE don't think any of this is complaining. It's just chatting. I don't know how pregnant people aren't talking all the time about all the crazy stuff that happens to them. Am I just ignorant or naive and I should have known? Should I have known that I would turn into a grizzly bear or that I would eat 56 meals a day? Maybe? But I don't think so.  

Once the hubs and I get over the crazy factor of some pregnancy thing, it is usually fun and exciting, we joke about it, he makes fun of me, I make fun of myself, it's fine. :) Besides the back pain, things are going really well. We recently put together our baby furniture, which I LOVEEE, and the smallest office in the world has officially turned into the smallest nursery in the world. Walking by there everyday and seeing her furniture and the growing amount of clothes/supplies, is making the pregnancy MUCH more exciting and real. It is a solid reminder that something big (little) is on the horizon! My goal is to have the nursery complete and decorated by the time Thanksgiving rolls around as my parents are coming down for the holiday and I want it to be a cute as can be surprise for them to see! Here are the latest preggo lady stats:

How far along:  26 Weeks 3 days

Size of baby: She's a eggplant. She's got to be a long eggplant because she kicks her mommy constantly! She is practicing to be a martial artist like her daddy! 

Total Weight Gain:  Oh Lord have mercy. At 24 weeks it was 2o pounds. WHO KNOWS what is it now because I have definitely had a growth spurt since then. I gained 6 pounds between 20 and 24 weeks, I'm really hoping that isn't going to be a pattern! 

Maternity Clothes: I find the belly band built into the jeans and stuff really constricting. I usually wear maternity yoga pants or leggings. 

Gender:  I'm guessing she is still a girl. Let's hope she comes out that way because we are PINK TO THE MAX at the White house!! 

Sleep: I went to the Chiropractor twice while I was in KS by the urging of lots of mommies and mommies to be. I really feel that it has helped a lot with my back pain. However, the chiropractor suggested that I keep going every couple of weeks until baby comes, and sadly, our insurance does not cover the chiropractor. We will see how things go.....   

What I miss: Still not eating chicken. I miss bending over. :) I miss sleeping on my tummy. I miss sleeping without back pain and I miss eating like a normal human being. :) 

Cravings:  Still no super duper  "I will kill you if I don't eat this" craving. 

Symptoms: Back pain and acid reflux are the only bothersome things going on. Being huge is not really a symptom I guess, but I am, huge.