I just wanted to clarify a few things about my last blog. I talked about my husband in it, which I tend to do, because he is my husband, get over it. (hehe) I mentioned him having a sort of unwavering faith. He decided, "This is what I believe, The end." That IS kind of what happened, but not exactly.
I wanted to clarify this as after I wrote the blog and published it, I thought I may have made him seem like he knows nothing about God and just decided he was going to believe this thing existed and doesn't know how or why. It made him sound sort of ignorant, something he is definitely not. Especially regarding his faith. My suspicions of me perhaps painting him in an ignorant light were confirmed when he mentioned the same thing to me after he read it.
I most certainly am not writing this blog to "bail him out" or make excuses for him. I'm discussing this because this blog is a lot about my journey to faith, God, etc. And the person who I discuss most of my journey with, is of course, my husband. I bounce things off of him, I tell him the crazy stuff I dream about, the stories I'm reading in the bible, we pray together, etc. So, it's important that people reading my blog don't think he's a crazy ignorant dummy :) One of the reasons why he is the main source of feedback regarding this journey I am on, is because he has also been there. It was a different one of course, and he got to the finish line perhaps a little faster and easier than I did, but he ran the race....Errhhmmm, scratch that, marathon. His journey was mostly in high school, going to youth group, reading the bible and knowing in his heart that what he read was the truth and that God was his God. He continued his studies and faith in college and is a great source of knowledge about Christianity for me. It's pretty fair to say that I wouldn't be on this journey if it wasn't for him, a few other close friends moved me along as well, but I don't think I would have wanted to figure it out for myself as bad if I didn't have a husband to aspire to be like. His faith is unwavering and strong and unmovable, not because he was told to do it or to follow a crowd, he was simply following his heart.
The end.
By the way, I'm eating a bag of starbursts and there is an unusual amount of reds ( my favorite) in here. Amazinggggggggg.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
A Leap of Faith
I read an amazing book over the summer called "O Me of Little Faith." It's written by a Christian man that is a self-proclaimed doubter. He talks a lot about how you can be a God-loving Christian and still think sometimes..."Uhhh, can that really happen?" or..."That seems a little hard to believe..." This book changed my life. It made it OK for me to be on this road and have questions. It didn't mean I was a non-believer or not-worthy, it meant that I doubt. Sometimes more so than not, and that is OK. Whenever I chat to other doubters or people on the journey that I am on, I have been referring this book, it truly is amazing.
Something that the author, Jason Boyett
(Check out his website here: http://blog.beliefnet.com/omeoflittlefaith/ ) talks about is taking a Leap of Faith and what that means. His discussion of this was a major light bulb moment for me. He discussed why this such amazing thing is called a LEAP of faith. Have you ever thought about that? Why a LEAP?! Faith is rough. Faith means you believe in something that you can't see, that you can't really prove. Some people can have faith pretty easily, like my husband. He decided in high school, I believe this, the end. Most of the time when I bring up hard questions that sometimes don't make sense regarding Christianity, and want proof, or an explanation, he doesn't usually give it. Why not? Because he has never thought about proof or an explanation. Because he doesn't need it. I'll ask "Why do you believe that?" His answer usually is..."I just do." Oh, OK, great, thanks for the help, buddy! My dear husband has faith. Unwavering faith. He believes. No doubt. Some people, yours truly included, aren't so lucky.
We are the leapers. If we ever find a way to LEAP on over there to that aawweeeeeeesome thing, faith, we gotta leap. Ain't no strolling or skipping or leisurely walk. We are LEAPING HERE PEOPLE! What do you imagine when you here the word "leap." I imagine someone getting a longgg head start run, kind of like a long-jumper, running running running hard and fast and then taking the biggest hardest jump their body can musters. That's a leap to me.
Sounds about right.
Faith to me is this ridiculously hard long-jumper leap. Not a Stroll of Faith, or a Little Jump of Faith.
Most of the time I yearn to be like my husband, one of those people that can stroll on over to faith, no problem, no leap needed. But sometimes, I think to myself, maybe leaping can be a good thing. If I was able to believe so easily, I wouldn't be learning the things I am, I wouldn't be forming the relationships I have been, I wouldn't ask questions all the time and I wouldn't push myself harder and harder to KNOW God the way I need to.
Guess I better start practicing my leaps.
Something that the author, Jason Boyett
(Check out his website here: http://blog.beliefnet.com/omeoflittlefaith/ ) talks about is taking a Leap of Faith and what that means. His discussion of this was a major light bulb moment for me. He discussed why this such amazing thing is called a LEAP of faith. Have you ever thought about that? Why a LEAP?! Faith is rough. Faith means you believe in something that you can't see, that you can't really prove. Some people can have faith pretty easily, like my husband. He decided in high school, I believe this, the end. Most of the time when I bring up hard questions that sometimes don't make sense regarding Christianity, and want proof, or an explanation, he doesn't usually give it. Why not? Because he has never thought about proof or an explanation. Because he doesn't need it. I'll ask "Why do you believe that?" His answer usually is..."I just do." Oh, OK, great, thanks for the help, buddy! My dear husband has faith. Unwavering faith. He believes. No doubt. Some people, yours truly included, aren't so lucky.
We are the leapers. If we ever find a way to LEAP on over there to that aawweeeeeeesome thing, faith, we gotta leap. Ain't no strolling or skipping or leisurely walk. We are LEAPING HERE PEOPLE! What do you imagine when you here the word "leap." I imagine someone getting a longgg head start run, kind of like a long-jumper, running running running hard and fast and then taking the biggest hardest jump their body can musters. That's a leap to me.
Sounds about right.
Faith to me is this ridiculously hard long-jumper leap. Not a Stroll of Faith, or a Little Jump of Faith.
Most of the time I yearn to be like my husband, one of those people that can stroll on over to faith, no problem, no leap needed. But sometimes, I think to myself, maybe leaping can be a good thing. If I was able to believe so easily, I wouldn't be learning the things I am, I wouldn't be forming the relationships I have been, I wouldn't ask questions all the time and I wouldn't push myself harder and harder to KNOW God the way I need to.
Guess I better start practicing my leaps.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Attention: All God-fearing people!
Before I read the Bible and started reading and talking about this faith journey I'm on, I never understood why people would define themselves as a "God Fearing Man." Or woman for that matter. They always described themselves in this manner when talking about how they were faithful Christians and lived a God-centered life. So I was confused. God was our father. God was papa, he loved us and blessed us and looked after us and we are his children. Why are we fearing him? I don't fear my mother that loves me and takes care of me. The only reason I would fear God was if I didn't believe in him or if I was a crazy-pants sinner. Why would good Christians be proud that they were "God-fearing?" These were my thoughts before I read the bible.
Now that I have read the New Testament and am a good way into the Old Testament, I understand this. God is scary!!! I hope I don't get negative points in the Sara-going-to-heaven checklist book for saying that and saying the things to come....But come on!
OK wait, first let me say, I really should have read the Old Testament before the New, I would have understand the New alot better if I had read the Old first. So, now after I read the Old, I'm going back to read the New again, because the God I am getting to know in the Old, is much different than the one I got to know in the New.
Back to what I am finding out reading the Old...(still hoping I don't get negative points here)...God is a bit like a women during THAT time of the month. He seems to be very temperamental, unpredictable, scary and sometimes...dare I say it, cruel and unfair. He killed people for the sins of their ancestors, was quick to make deadly decisions and had no problem taking our millions of people because they did not worship him. I have made it to the book of Ruth so far in the Old Testament, and I'll tell you, reading up to Ruth has been rough. It is said many a times, God is a jealous God. YA THINK?!?!?! He certainly is. God also says many times, Fear Me. I am God, fear God. I asked my husband why we should fear God, and he thinks fear used in that way means Respect. OK, well I can respect God, and that sounds a lot nicer....but if it's supposed to mean Respect, why doesn't it say respect. I have a feeling it means Fear, and we should Fear.
God did a lot of things that I do not understand and that I feel bad about. I especially feel bad for Moses. Moses worked his butt off! He put up with the Israelites that were acting like toddlers, not listening, giving him a hard time, had all that pressure of being the sole person between all of the Israelites and God, and God would not let him join the Israelites in the Promised Land just because he made a little (in my eyes) mistake.
God does show a lot of mercy and a lot of forgiveness in the Bible, as well. Even though he is harsh, he also says if you ask for forgiveness, I will forgive you, and he does every time. Why couldn't he have been merciful with Moses. If ANYBODY deserved that stinkin' Promised Land it was Moses.
I feel like the Israelites were learning, toddlers like I am in the school of God and Faith, and they weren't given any wiggle room. They weren't given any chance to fail and try again. This really hits home for me because I am just like the Israelites. I am learning, I feel the need to test God, I don't have all my faith ducks in a row. I desperately need mercy, I need God to allow me to make mistakes and falter in my faith and allow me to get back up and dust myself off and keep going on my journey without being damned. Maybe I am wrong, maybe I am seeing things the wrong way, but all I can say is, THANK GOD FOR JESUS!!!!
Now that I have read the New Testament and am a good way into the Old Testament, I understand this. God is scary!!! I hope I don't get negative points in the Sara-going-to-heaven checklist book for saying that and saying the things to come....But come on!
OK wait, first let me say, I really should have read the Old Testament before the New, I would have understand the New alot better if I had read the Old first. So, now after I read the Old, I'm going back to read the New again, because the God I am getting to know in the Old, is much different than the one I got to know in the New.
Back to what I am finding out reading the Old...(still hoping I don't get negative points here)...God is a bit like a women during THAT time of the month. He seems to be very temperamental, unpredictable, scary and sometimes...dare I say it, cruel and unfair. He killed people for the sins of their ancestors, was quick to make deadly decisions and had no problem taking our millions of people because they did not worship him. I have made it to the book of Ruth so far in the Old Testament, and I'll tell you, reading up to Ruth has been rough. It is said many a times, God is a jealous God. YA THINK?!?!?! He certainly is. God also says many times, Fear Me. I am God, fear God. I asked my husband why we should fear God, and he thinks fear used in that way means Respect. OK, well I can respect God, and that sounds a lot nicer....but if it's supposed to mean Respect, why doesn't it say respect. I have a feeling it means Fear, and we should Fear.
God did a lot of things that I do not understand and that I feel bad about. I especially feel bad for Moses. Moses worked his butt off! He put up with the Israelites that were acting like toddlers, not listening, giving him a hard time, had all that pressure of being the sole person between all of the Israelites and God, and God would not let him join the Israelites in the Promised Land just because he made a little (in my eyes) mistake.
God does show a lot of mercy and a lot of forgiveness in the Bible, as well. Even though he is harsh, he also says if you ask for forgiveness, I will forgive you, and he does every time. Why couldn't he have been merciful with Moses. If ANYBODY deserved that stinkin' Promised Land it was Moses.
I feel like the Israelites were learning, toddlers like I am in the school of God and Faith, and they weren't given any wiggle room. They weren't given any chance to fail and try again. This really hits home for me because I am just like the Israelites. I am learning, I feel the need to test God, I don't have all my faith ducks in a row. I desperately need mercy, I need God to allow me to make mistakes and falter in my faith and allow me to get back up and dust myself off and keep going on my journey without being damned. Maybe I am wrong, maybe I am seeing things the wrong way, but all I can say is, THANK GOD FOR JESUS!!!!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Baby White
Don't get excited. No Baby White yet. However, we are on the road. I figured I've been way to sad and depressed in all of my blogs since I have started this ol' thing, and I certainly don't want to consume my life with those thoughts. I haven't been thinking negatively since we have gotten good news regarding the "C," so I think my blog should be happy too! So, a side-step to chatting about our fun new journey!
Much debate has filled the White household these days. We both want a baby, just the time of such a bundle of joy is up in the air. Multiple things hinder us from making a decision, the "C" and the "A." hehe. The "A" being the other unstable thing in our life, the ARMY! We have been supposed to move for a few months now, we are hoping since my mom is sick we can push back that move a little further still so I can be close to her as long as possible. Also, we are trying to get into law school. Being in law school whould be a much more stable environment for me to be pregnant in, instead of the "who knows when we'll deploy" environment.Anyways...
I have major baby fever. I've been taking prenatal vitamins for about a month now and have very recently gotten off my birth control. That has been the biggest, and most frightening thing so far! I've had my old friend, BC for many-a-years now and it feels very strange to be....exposed? That's not even the right word. Maybe it is, birth control has always given me a sense of protection, as it should...and now that it's gone. I feel like I could be attacked at any moment! HA!
So many great friends have just had a baby, or are pregnant or just getting pregnant. Obviously, my desires for a child are deeper than wanted to keep up with the Jones', but seeing them with their beautiful children make me more and more antsy. Being faced with my mother's mortality also has me wanting a child more than before. When we first found out, one of my biggest heartbreaks was the thought that my mom may never know a child of mine. She is such an amazing mom, and even more amazing grandma, or Mimi in her case, I would be devestated if my children never knew her love.
So, without getting into the gory details, reproducing is definitely on our to-do list. I will most definitely keep all interested in the loop. Here's to baby making!
Much debate has filled the White household these days. We both want a baby, just the time of such a bundle of joy is up in the air. Multiple things hinder us from making a decision, the "C" and the "A." hehe. The "A" being the other unstable thing in our life, the ARMY! We have been supposed to move for a few months now, we are hoping since my mom is sick we can push back that move a little further still so I can be close to her as long as possible. Also, we are trying to get into law school. Being in law school whould be a much more stable environment for me to be pregnant in, instead of the "who knows when we'll deploy" environment.Anyways...
I have major baby fever. I've been taking prenatal vitamins for about a month now and have very recently gotten off my birth control. That has been the biggest, and most frightening thing so far! I've had my old friend, BC for many-a-years now and it feels very strange to be....exposed? That's not even the right word. Maybe it is, birth control has always given me a sense of protection, as it should...and now that it's gone. I feel like I could be attacked at any moment! HA!
So many great friends have just had a baby, or are pregnant or just getting pregnant. Obviously, my desires for a child are deeper than wanted to keep up with the Jones', but seeing them with their beautiful children make me more and more antsy. Being faced with my mother's mortality also has me wanting a child more than before. When we first found out, one of my biggest heartbreaks was the thought that my mom may never know a child of mine. She is such an amazing mom, and even more amazing grandma, or Mimi in her case, I would be devestated if my children never knew her love.
So, without getting into the gory details, reproducing is definitely on our to-do list. I will most definitely keep all interested in the loop. Here's to baby making!
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Money Money Money
So, ever since this "C" has been around, my whole family, mainly my mom and I, have taken a gander at the ol' World Wide Web. Bad idea....bad bad bad idea. It tells you things like the average survival rate for lung cancer victims is 16 percent. It tells you that most people with later stage cancer die within a year. Stuff I was not prepared for. Things you don't think you have to face in 2011. I know a lot of people, or children of people that have breast cancer. None of them have died. Pink pink pink, wear your pink, pink ribbons, pink t-shirts, marathons for pink people! Everyone knows what month is breast cancer awareness month, everyone know that a pink ribbon means breast cancer.
Do you know what color is assigned to lung cancer?
Come on...you can do it...think about it...
Didn't think so. It's white. I'm not going to lie. I knew pink was the color for breast cancer, I didn't know white was the color for lung cancer. I figured it out the night we found out about the big "C." I went online and in a terrible crying spell, spent a lot of money on WHITE stuff. White car magnets, white bracelets, white t-shirts and the list goes on. It was after this I found on another wesbite the HORRIBLE statistics that go along with lung cancer.
Did you know that lung cancer has the second worst survival rate after pancreatic cancer? Did you know lung cancer kills more people than breast, prostate, colon and pancreatic COMBINED? I didn't either.
Lung cancer has a five year survival rate of 16%. Breast cancer, however, has a 5 year survival rate of 88%. Prostate has a 5 year survival rate of 99%.
Why? WHY?! Money.
Annually, the funding for breast cancer is more than $27,000 per victim. It is less than $1,200 for a lung cancer victim. I am angry. I am very angry. I think a lot of this disconnect has to do with blame. Breast cancer victims didn't do anything to deserve their cancer, they are victims. Lung cancer victims deserve their cancer, they smoked, they brought it on themselves, why raise money for people who did this to themselves. Right?
Wrong. My mom did not do THIS to herself. She is not a chronic smoker, never has been. She does not have bad lungs. She does NOT deserve this. And with that said, smokers, who make up 90% of lung cancer victims, do not deserve this either. They deserve no chance? They deserve no one speaking for them? No one wearing a white ribbon or sporting a white t-shirt while running a race?
I disagree. So, I've order a large amount of white bracelets and will be passing them out. I will wear mine everyday. I will wear my t-shirt and place my ribbon magnet on my car.
"If not us, who? If not now, when?"
Do you know what color is assigned to lung cancer?
Come on...you can do it...think about it...
Didn't think so. It's white. I'm not going to lie. I knew pink was the color for breast cancer, I didn't know white was the color for lung cancer. I figured it out the night we found out about the big "C." I went online and in a terrible crying spell, spent a lot of money on WHITE stuff. White car magnets, white bracelets, white t-shirts and the list goes on. It was after this I found on another wesbite the HORRIBLE statistics that go along with lung cancer.
Did you know that lung cancer has the second worst survival rate after pancreatic cancer? Did you know lung cancer kills more people than breast, prostate, colon and pancreatic COMBINED? I didn't either.
Lung cancer has a five year survival rate of 16%. Breast cancer, however, has a 5 year survival rate of 88%. Prostate has a 5 year survival rate of 99%.
Why? WHY?! Money.
Annually, the funding for breast cancer is more than $27,000 per victim. It is less than $1,200 for a lung cancer victim. I am angry. I am very angry. I think a lot of this disconnect has to do with blame. Breast cancer victims didn't do anything to deserve their cancer, they are victims. Lung cancer victims deserve their cancer, they smoked, they brought it on themselves, why raise money for people who did this to themselves. Right?
Wrong. My mom did not do THIS to herself. She is not a chronic smoker, never has been. She does not have bad lungs. She does NOT deserve this. And with that said, smokers, who make up 90% of lung cancer victims, do not deserve this either. They deserve no chance? They deserve no one speaking for them? No one wearing a white ribbon or sporting a white t-shirt while running a race?
I disagree. So, I've order a large amount of white bracelets and will be passing them out. I will wear mine everyday. I will wear my t-shirt and place my ribbon magnet on my car.
"If not us, who? If not now, when?"
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Don't let your praying knees get lazy
I don't pray on my knees. Do you? Does anybody? Knee praying seems mostly reserved for little blonde-haired girls before bed and after story time. Most of my prayers take place driving in my car or laying in bed. I never speak my prayers out loud unless it is prayer before a meal....or a quickie, for example, "Lord help me get through this." Sometimes I think praying to God only in my head is jipping Him, like I'm being lazy and am not speaking aloud to Him. However, my buddy, Sarah S., would tell me, "God just wants you to talk to him, he doesn't care how." I think I agree with that.
I wanted to talk about prayer in this blog because I have been praying A LOT lately, as you know my mom has been diagnosed with the big C(still not willing to say the word, so sue me,) Also because I have been asking, begging rather, for others, anyone, everyone to pray for her as well.
There are two REALLY big questions about God and my faith that boggle my brain more than any other, and that I bug my husband endlessly to give me better answers to than what he is able to give so far. Shame on him right? Just kidding. The two questions are THIS: Why are we supposed to pray. What does it do? AND, Has God PLANNED out my entire life, so that I do what he has set into order from Day One, or does he just KNOW my entire life, and sits back and watches it play out? These are my big two questions. Both questions are very much intertwined. If God has my life planned out, what's the point of praying? The big Man upstairs already said, "This is what's up, homies." If God does NOT have my life planned, and does not control what I do, What ALSO is the point of praying? Get what I'm saying? If my life is my choice, God does not control my decisions, then why pray for His intervene? That goes against what He does. If I could get someone, anyone, to answers these questions, I'd be good to go brother! Mostly when I ask people, like my husband, the answer is very vague and "fluffy" as I like to call it. "I don't know, that's a good question." or, "God can do anything." My husband thinks God made us to self-determine our lives, he gives us free will to make our own decisions. However, my husband also thinks God can intervene if He wants to. If you ask me, a toddler in God-school, I think that's crap! I need a answer that is ALWAYS the answer. Not, sometimes He does this, sometimes He doesn't.
We got really good news (so far) regarding what stage my mom's cancer is in. I have never prayed so hard in my life for this, and I know a lot of friends and family has prayed passionately and intensely for the same thing. Did God decide to bless her with an early stage, because he controls our life? Or did we just get lucky, because God does not interfere, just watches.
Am I praying because God will change the results, or simply to give my comfort that perhaps He COULD change the results. It's hard for me to understand the "It's God's will" or in "God's plan" stuff. What kind of "plan" involves my mom's demise? I'm sure plenty of God lovers in the past have gathered all their God-loving friends and prayed HARD for a loved-one"s sickness, but got bad news. If my prayers were "answered" why weren't theirs? Saying it's God's will insinuates that this is the course of God's plan and he has decided it in advance. Why pray then?
Funny, the next thought that popped up in my brain just now....
...maybe I should pray about it.
I wanted to talk about prayer in this blog because I have been praying A LOT lately, as you know my mom has been diagnosed with the big C(still not willing to say the word, so sue me,) Also because I have been asking, begging rather, for others, anyone, everyone to pray for her as well.
There are two REALLY big questions about God and my faith that boggle my brain more than any other, and that I bug my husband endlessly to give me better answers to than what he is able to give so far. Shame on him right? Just kidding. The two questions are THIS: Why are we supposed to pray. What does it do? AND, Has God PLANNED out my entire life, so that I do what he has set into order from Day One, or does he just KNOW my entire life, and sits back and watches it play out? These are my big two questions. Both questions are very much intertwined. If God has my life planned out, what's the point of praying? The big Man upstairs already said, "This is what's up, homies." If God does NOT have my life planned, and does not control what I do, What ALSO is the point of praying? Get what I'm saying? If my life is my choice, God does not control my decisions, then why pray for His intervene? That goes against what He does. If I could get someone, anyone, to answers these questions, I'd be good to go brother! Mostly when I ask people, like my husband, the answer is very vague and "fluffy" as I like to call it. "I don't know, that's a good question." or, "God can do anything." My husband thinks God made us to self-determine our lives, he gives us free will to make our own decisions. However, my husband also thinks God can intervene if He wants to. If you ask me, a toddler in God-school, I think that's crap! I need a answer that is ALWAYS the answer. Not, sometimes He does this, sometimes He doesn't.
We got really good news (so far) regarding what stage my mom's cancer is in. I have never prayed so hard in my life for this, and I know a lot of friends and family has prayed passionately and intensely for the same thing. Did God decide to bless her with an early stage, because he controls our life? Or did we just get lucky, because God does not interfere, just watches.
Am I praying because God will change the results, or simply to give my comfort that perhaps He COULD change the results. It's hard for me to understand the "It's God's will" or in "God's plan" stuff. What kind of "plan" involves my mom's demise? I'm sure plenty of God lovers in the past have gathered all their God-loving friends and prayed HARD for a loved-one"s sickness, but got bad news. If my prayers were "answered" why weren't theirs? Saying it's God's will insinuates that this is the course of God's plan and he has decided it in advance. Why pray then?
Funny, the next thought that popped up in my brain just now....
...maybe I should pray about it.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Start your engines....
Today was the official start to testing for this..."thing." I have a really hard time saying the "C" word. Doesn't everybody know that if you don't say the word it doesn't exist? Or am I the only one in on that very convenient secret. Today we had a CT scan and Pulmonary Function Test. My mom is not a weak person, and to see her in vulnerable position, uncomfortable, having to do things she is unsure about, tears my heart out. I don't want to see my strong mother being vulnerable and unsure. I want her to be her. The her she has always been for me. Things are changing so fast I don't know what's going on anymore. I'm having to "be" for my mom, instead of her having to "be" for me. I knew this would come, I'm not completely ignorant to the circle of life people, but now? She is only 55, I am only 25. I'm not ready to be for her yet. I still need her to be for me. When I've been crying and breaking down and need someone to talk to about the C word, I can no longer run to my go-to gal. I desperately do NOT want to be the go-to gal for her. My heart can't take it. I know being for her will most likely be the most important job I will ever do in my entire life, that and maybe being a mother. I am proud that she wants me to be the one, that does not make it any easier.
Tomorrow we find out the results of the CT scan. Pretty much, if the C has spread anywhere other than her lung. If it has, later stages will be labeled and very very very poor prognosis will be given. You know on movies, or perhaps in life when people say to God, "Oh God, if you do this one thing, Lord, I PROMISE, I will do....." Go to church every Sunday, quit drinking, etc. I find myself wanting to have this little chat with God.
I've never had a situation in my life yet where I would say, "God, please take me instead, let the bad thing happen to me." I guess that's a good thing. Now I do. I so wish I could have this cancer and she wouldn't. For so many reasons. I don't want her to hurt, I don't want her to cry. I don't want her to be vulnerable and have to go through all this medical stuff. I would take it in a heart beat, I don't have any children that would miss me, I wouldn't have to cry everyday, I wouldn't have to torture myself over thoughts of life without her.
Tomorrow we find out the results of the CT scan. Pretty much, if the C has spread anywhere other than her lung. If it has, later stages will be labeled and very very very poor prognosis will be given. You know on movies, or perhaps in life when people say to God, "Oh God, if you do this one thing, Lord, I PROMISE, I will do....." Go to church every Sunday, quit drinking, etc. I find myself wanting to have this little chat with God.
I've never had a situation in my life yet where I would say, "God, please take me instead, let the bad thing happen to me." I guess that's a good thing. Now I do. I so wish I could have this cancer and she wouldn't. For so many reasons. I don't want her to hurt, I don't want her to cry. I don't want her to be vulnerable and have to go through all this medical stuff. I would take it in a heart beat, I don't have any children that would miss me, I wouldn't have to cry everyday, I wouldn't have to torture myself over thoughts of life without her.
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