Today was the official start to testing for this..."thing." I have a really hard time saying the "C" word. Doesn't everybody know that if you don't say the word it doesn't exist? Or am I the only one in on that very convenient secret. Today we had a CT scan and Pulmonary Function Test. My mom is not a weak person, and to see her in vulnerable position, uncomfortable, having to do things she is unsure about, tears my heart out. I don't want to see my strong mother being vulnerable and unsure. I want her to be her. The her she has always been for me. Things are changing so fast I don't know what's going on anymore. I'm having to "be" for my mom, instead of her having to "be" for me. I knew this would come, I'm not completely ignorant to the circle of life people, but now? She is only 55, I am only 25. I'm not ready to be for her yet. I still need her to be for me. When I've been crying and breaking down and need someone to talk to about the C word, I can no longer run to my go-to gal. I desperately do NOT want to be the go-to gal for her. My heart can't take it. I know being for her will most likely be the most important job I will ever do in my entire life, that and maybe being a mother. I am proud that she wants me to be the one, that does not make it any easier.
Tomorrow we find out the results of the CT scan. Pretty much, if the C has spread anywhere other than her lung. If it has, later stages will be labeled and very very very poor prognosis will be given. You know on movies, or perhaps in life when people say to God, "Oh God, if you do this one thing, Lord, I PROMISE, I will do....." Go to church every Sunday, quit drinking, etc. I find myself wanting to have this little chat with God.
I've never had a situation in my life yet where I would say, "God, please take me instead, let the bad thing happen to me." I guess that's a good thing. Now I do. I so wish I could have this cancer and she wouldn't. For so many reasons. I don't want her to hurt, I don't want her to cry. I don't want her to be vulnerable and have to go through all this medical stuff. I would take it in a heart beat, I don't have any children that would miss me, I wouldn't have to cry everyday, I wouldn't have to torture myself over thoughts of life without her.