What I Like About You

I had lunch with an old friend yesterday and it was the first time she had met Mina, and Sara, as a mommy. We spent our time talking about social work, crazy jobs, crazy people, and being mommies. As we were talking about mommy-hood, she asked me what my favorite thing about being a mom was, what I loved the most.

A simple question. Or is it?

 "Psshhhh, I dunno?!" Was my first reaction. Then, "I love everything about it!" How cliche. (And not true by the way.)  I don't love everything about being a mom, some things are really difficult, but there are a lot of things I do love. 

The thing I love the most about being a mom is the me I become when I love her. I am different. I am selfless. My diva-ness that I tend to have, is put aside. My needs, my desires, are hers. I think of her first. I dream for her. I cry for her. My future plans are viewed through a lense of what is best for her. She has helped me be this person. I love that.  

I love to see her grow, see her look at me as if I am all she will ever need. I love that when I walk in the room, she smiles. She laughs at my funny faces and my funny noises and holds on tight when I pick her up. She loves me simply because I am me. Her mommy. She doesn't ask questions, give ultimatums or make demands. She just loves. 

I love my mom being able to see me as a mom. I see the pride in her eyes as she watches me learn and grow and develop into a mom I hope she always wished I would be.

I love the growth of my husband and I's relationship. We are no longer just husband and wife, we are mommy and daddy. I love that we jokingly fight over who loves her more and who contributed more to her perfect-ness (I did of course.) I love that we look at each other and silently give each other the "good job." I love seeing him as a father, his pride.

I love that we share a bond that will never be broken. 

I love her. 

                 Some things are hard, but most things are beautiful. Most things, I love. 

Every Knee Shall Bow

Here I am, back to God. Back to my discussion, back to my search. Of course I would always come back, right? My blog tonight is inspired by a longtime dear friend, Pam, who has been dealt a heavy heavy blow this year. Recently we chatted about her heart, and what God has to do with it.

Pam's dad recently passed away from a horribly fast acting scary cancer that came and went and took his sweet life in almost a blink of an eye. Having a family of strong, unwavering awe-inspiring faith, I KNEW that God would not forsake them. If if anyone would be healed from the prayers of the masses, it would be Pam's daddy. How could He ignore so many voices crying out to Him? How could He do nothing? His cancer was advanced, but no one thought he would go, God was on their side. However, away he did go. Too fast. Too soon. Leaving six children and a wife searching for answers.

Why?

Why?

Pam tried to explain to me the ache of losing her daddy all while still trying to love God. And I tried to understand. We discussed and she tried to teach me. Despite her anger with God, despite her questions, despite her tired body and aching heart and crying eyes, she shows me where God is. She vouches for God. She tries to show ME where God is in her dad's passing.

We discussed if God steps in when we pray. A question I have struggled with tremendously on this journey. We discussed what life on Earth means to us, and what it means to God. Life on Earth is a blink of an eye to God, a pit stop to eternity. Yes, He hurts when we hurt, when our dad's die, but they were just taking a little bathroom break on the way to their eternal home. Earth is not where we belong. Earth is certainly not where Pam's dad belonged, his home is in Heaven. But does that make it hurt any less? Absolutely not.

Pam taught me that is OK to question. To be angry. To stand up and walk away. God can handle it. But eventually, every knee shall bow.

I hope when I bow before God that he knows, which of course he will, how much I searched. How much I longed for a relationship with him. I will continue to pray and search until I find him. And ultimately, myself.

What am I doing here?

My brain and heart are going crazy lately. I am becoming much more comfortable and confident in my role as a Christian, or perhaps, still, a doubting Christian, and the work and prayers and hard road that identity I so much longed for, has taken me one. However, the role as a mommy, or more specifically, a stay at home mommy, has thrown me for a loop. I am screaming. Now, I try to tread lightly on this topic as most of my friends are in the workforce, two of my closest, are actually the breadwinners of the family, while daddy stays home with the little. This, I am afraid, is definitely a "grass is greener on the other side" predicament. 

A stay at home mom. Oh how lovely! Mommy surely will get to sleep in until 10 am (because babies sleep all the time) and while daddy is away at work we will play with our toys and mommy will tune in to "The Today Show" and "Dr. Phil" and sip hot tea. Later in the day we will take the dogs on a walk and BOY, you sure do love to hear the birdies chirp and watch the cars pass by, and with all this walking we are doing mommy will lose 20 pounds. Then we'll come home and you'll take your 2 hour nap, mommy may take a little nap with you...or maybe she'll bake some cookies to take to the play group tomorrow. Oh daddy's home! Time to cook dinner and get you your bath. Now, sssshhhhhh, Night night, baby!

How pretty. How....suburban. How Truman Show-ish. How fake. 

This doesn't happen, but this is what I thought happened. Or thought should? happen.....? 

What am I doing? I love my daughter, she is my heart and soul. But is this what I'm doing now? 

My day is a slightly more realistic, everyday, monotonous experience. Even the "dream" stay at home mom scenario I mocked above about bored me to tears. And that's the dream! My husband tells me that I have the most important job in life: to raise our children, when I ask is this all I am? Is this what I've become? 

I find myself searching online for social work jobs so I can put on my slacks and my fancy blouses and my high heels and head out the door in the morning to my wonderful, fulfilling job. Helping people quit their addictions and deal with their anger and forgive their mothers and confront their demons, all while my little pumpkin plays and laughs and interacts with other little pumpkins at the daycare she hates to leave when I come to pick her up after work. 

Oh but that's just a dream as well, isn't it? Where is my middle ground? How do I not lose myself? How do I raise my children and be present and thankful for my precious time with them as they are babies and toddlers, but feel I am doing more than heating bottles and examining poop. Folding clothes and grocery shopping. It's a delicate balance, one I am realizing desperately needs more practice. 

                                                     

Geez Louise!

Hi, my name is Sara. Remember me? Last time we talked I was wondering when it would EVERRRR be time to get off the massive head-exploding hormonal roller coaster called pregnancy. Well, the time came. Two and a a half months ago. Sorry I didn't give you more notice to prepare and get excited. I was the last to know, trust me. I'll spare you the gory details....for now....but our little princess came a whoppin' 3 weeks early! Healthy and perfect as can be!! 7 pounds even, 20 1/2 inches long. She has big ol' feet and hands like her daddy and her mommy's nose (poor gal.) Daddy also blessed her with long pretty eyelashes. I haven't had time to blog it up since the little miss was born, for obvious reasons.  My brain is filled to capacity and swirls and swishes and bubbles over and leaves little room for me to remember to change out of my pajamas by 3 p.m. or brush my teeth, let alone chat with you all.

However, things are starting to slow down. Miss Mina Louise (now I get your title, Sara) is beginning to settle into somewhat of a sleeping schedule, thank you Jesus, and is usually counting sheep by 8 p.m. these days. 8 p.m.?! What in God's green Earth shall a new mommy do with 2-3 hours of free time in the evening?! I can think of 1,237,764 things. Oh the blessing/burden/pure joy/craziness that is being a mommy. If I'm lucky, I get to watch a little DVR, take a shower, and get to bed early enough to feel a little rested by the time the beautiful beast wakes me up to eat at 2-3 am. Sometimes in bed(more times than I would prefer), instead of falling asleep, I am plagued with mommy brain. Here are some examples of things that occupy my mind instead of drifting off into dreamland......

-The no brainer: Is she breathing?
-Is she swaddled too tight?
-What if her face itches, her hands aren't free!
-What if she rolls over and her face is pushed against the side of the bassinet and she can't move herself away because she is swaddled! (Yes, I have a lot of swaddle fears, however, the magic the swaddle performs on -her sleeping outweighs my irrational fears.....most of the time)
-Did she get enough to eat today?
-What time will she wake up in the middle of the night to eat?
-I hope it's past 2 a.m.
-I hope it's before 4 .a.m
-I hope she sleeps until 7 a.m.
-Will she nap tomorrow?
-What does babycenter.com say about that?
-My boobs hurt
-I'm sick of breastfeeding
-I'm happy I stuck with breastfeeding
-I'm a bad wife
-I don't cook dinner enough
-I don't give the dogs enough attention
-They probably hate me
-Did Mina just make a noise?
-I wish I could sleep
-You better fall asleep!
-You only have a few hours!
-Hurry up!
-Did I take a shower today?
-Did I take a shower yesterday?
-I need to take more pictures of the baby
-I need to be in more pictures with the baby
-How long can I wear maternity jeans?
-I've probably crossed that line
-Dang it
-I feel fat
-I better lose the rest of this weight
-I'm not eating tomorrow
-We'll go for a walk tomorrow, up that really big hill down the street
-I hate Jeremy for sleeping so easily
-Is that poop I smell?

But doesn't she just make you want to DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It makes absolutely no sense when people say "I could just eat her up!" But yet, how perfectly it does.