Monday, February 21, 2011

Ahhh hemm...Excuse me...

I just wanted to clarify a few things about my last blog. I talked about my husband in it, which I tend to do, because he is my husband, get over it. (hehe) I mentioned him having a sort of unwavering faith. He decided, "This is what I believe, The end." That IS kind of what happened, but not exactly.

I wanted to clarify this as after I wrote the blog and published it, I thought I may have made him seem like he knows nothing about God and just decided he was going to believe this thing existed and doesn't know how or why. It made him sound sort of ignorant, something he is definitely not. Especially regarding his faith. My suspicions of me perhaps painting him in an ignorant light were confirmed when he mentioned the same thing to me after he read it.

I most certainly am not writing this blog to "bail him out" or make excuses for him. I'm discussing this because this blog is a lot about my journey to faith, God, etc. And the person who I discuss most of my journey with, is of course, my husband. I bounce things off of him, I tell him the crazy stuff I dream about, the stories I'm reading in the bible, we pray together, etc. So, it's important that people reading my blog don't think he's a crazy ignorant dummy :) One of the reasons why he is the main source of feedback regarding this journey I am on, is because he has also been there. It was a different one of course, and he got to the finish line perhaps a little faster and easier than I did, but he ran the race....Errhhmmm, scratch that, marathon. His journey was mostly in high school, going to youth group, reading the bible and knowing in his heart that what he read was the truth and that God was his God. He continued his studies and faith in college and is a great source of knowledge about Christianity for me. It's pretty fair to say that I wouldn't be on this journey if it wasn't for him, a few other close friends moved me along as well, but I don't think I would have wanted to figure it out for myself as bad if I didn't have a husband to aspire to be like. His faith is unwavering and strong and unmovable, not because he was told to do it or to follow a crowd, he was simply following his heart.

The end.

By the way, I'm eating a bag of starbursts and there is an unusual amount of reds ( my favorite) in here. Amazinggggggggg.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

A Leap of Faith

I read an amazing book over the summer called "O Me of Little Faith." It's written by a Christian man that is a self-proclaimed doubter. He talks a lot about how you can be a God-loving Christian and still think sometimes..."Uhhh, can that really happen?" or..."That seems a little hard to believe..." This book changed my life. It made it OK for me to be on this road and have questions. It didn't mean I was a non-believer or not-worthy, it meant that I doubt. Sometimes more so than not, and that is OK. Whenever I chat to other doubters or people on the journey that I am on, I have been referring this book, it truly is amazing.

Something that the author, Jason Boyett
(Check out his website here: ) talks about is taking a Leap of Faith and what that means. His discussion of this was a major light bulb moment for me. He discussed why this such amazing thing is called a LEAP of faith. Have you ever thought about that? Why a LEAP?! Faith is rough. Faith means you believe in something that you can't see, that you can't really prove. Some people can have faith pretty easily, like my husband. He decided in high school, I believe this, the end. Most of the time when I bring up hard questions that sometimes don't make sense regarding Christianity, and want proof, or an explanation, he doesn't usually give it. Why not? Because he has never thought about proof or an explanation. Because he doesn't need it. I'll ask "Why do you believe that?" His answer usually is..."I just do." Oh, OK, great, thanks for the help, buddy! My dear husband has faith. Unwavering faith. He believes. No doubt. Some people, yours truly included, aren't so lucky.

We are the leapers. If we ever find a way to LEAP on over there to that aawweeeeeeesome thing, faith, we gotta leap. Ain't no strolling or skipping or leisurely walk. We are LEAPING HERE PEOPLE! What do you imagine when you here the word "leap." I imagine someone getting a longgg head start run, kind of like a long-jumper, running running running hard and fast and then taking the biggest hardest jump their body can musters. That's a leap to me.

Sounds about right.

Faith to me is this ridiculously hard long-jumper leap. Not a Stroll of Faith, or a Little Jump of Faith.

Most of the time I yearn to be like my husband, one of those people that can stroll on over to faith, no problem, no leap needed. But sometimes, I think to myself, maybe leaping can be a good thing. If I was able to believe so easily, I wouldn't be learning the things I am, I wouldn't be forming the relationships I have been, I wouldn't ask questions all the time and I wouldn't push myself harder and harder to KNOW God the way I need to.

Guess I better start practicing my leaps.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Attention: All God-fearing people!

Before I read the Bible and started reading and talking about this faith journey I'm on, I never understood why people would define themselves as a "God Fearing Man." Or woman for that matter. They always described themselves in this manner when talking about how they were faithful Christians and lived a God-centered life. So I was confused. God was our father. God was papa, he loved us and blessed us and looked after us and we are his children. Why are we fearing him? I don't fear my mother that loves me and takes care of me. The only reason I would fear God was if I didn't believe in him or if I was a crazy-pants sinner. Why would good Christians be proud that they were "God-fearing?" These were my thoughts before I read the bible.

Now that I have read the New Testament and am a good way into the Old Testament, I understand this. God is scary!!! I hope I don't get negative points in the Sara-going-to-heaven checklist book for saying that and saying the things to come....But come on!

OK wait, first let me say, I really should have read the Old Testament before the New, I would have understand the New alot better if I had read the Old first. So, now after I read the Old, I'm going back to read the New again, because the God I am getting to know in the Old, is much different than the one I got to know in the New.

Back to what I am finding out reading the Old...(still hoping I don't get negative points here)...God is a bit like a women during THAT time of the month. He seems to be very temperamental, unpredictable, scary and sometimes...dare I say it, cruel and unfair. He killed people for the sins of their ancestors, was quick to make deadly decisions and had no problem taking our millions of people because they did not worship him. I have made it to the book of Ruth so far in the Old Testament, and I'll tell you, reading up to Ruth has been rough. It is said many a times, God is a jealous God. YA THINK?!?!?! He certainly is. God also says many times, Fear Me. I am God, fear God. I asked my husband why we should fear God, and he thinks fear used in that way means Respect. OK, well I can respect God, and that sounds a lot nicer....but if it's supposed to mean Respect, why doesn't it say respect. I have a feeling it means Fear, and we should Fear.

God did a lot of things that I do not understand and that I feel bad about. I especially feel bad for Moses. Moses worked his butt off! He put up with the Israelites that were acting like toddlers, not listening, giving him a hard time, had all that pressure of being the sole person between all of the Israelites and God, and God would not let him join the Israelites in the Promised Land just because he made a little (in my eyes) mistake.

God does show a lot of mercy and a lot of forgiveness in the Bible, as well. Even though he is harsh, he also says if you ask for forgiveness, I will forgive you, and he does every time. Why couldn't he have been merciful with Moses. If ANYBODY deserved that stinkin' Promised Land it was Moses.

I feel like the Israelites were learning, toddlers like I am in the school of God and Faith, and they weren't given any wiggle room. They weren't given any chance to fail and try again. This really hits home for me because I am just like the Israelites. I am learning, I feel the need to test God, I don't have all my faith ducks in a row. I desperately need mercy, I need God to allow me to make mistakes and falter in my faith and allow me to get back up and dust myself off and keep going on my journey without being damned.  Maybe I am wrong, maybe I am seeing things the wrong way, but all I can say is, THANK GOD FOR JESUS!!!!

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Baby White

Don't get excited. No Baby White yet. However, we are on the road. I figured I've been way to sad and depressed in all of my blogs since I have started this ol' thing, and I certainly don't want to consume my life with those thoughts. I haven't been thinking negatively since we have gotten good news regarding the "C," so I think my blog should be happy too! So, a side-step to chatting about our fun new journey!

Much debate has filled the White household these days. We both want a baby, just the time of such a bundle of joy is up in the air. Multiple things hinder us from making a decision, the "C" and the "A." hehe. The "A" being the other unstable thing in our life, the ARMY! We have been supposed to move for a few months now, we are hoping since my mom is sick we can push back that move a little further still so I can be close to her as long as possible. Also, we are trying to get into law school. Being in law school whould be a much more stable environment for me to be pregnant in, instead of the "who knows when we'll deploy" environment.Anyways...

I have major baby fever. I've been taking prenatal vitamins for about a month now and have very recently gotten off my birth control. That has been the biggest, and most frightening thing so far! I've had my old friend, BC for many-a-years now and it feels very strange to That's not even the right word. Maybe it is, birth control has always given me a sense of protection, as it should...and now that it's gone. I feel like I could be attacked at any moment! HA!

So many great friends have just had a baby, or are pregnant or just getting pregnant. Obviously, my desires for a child are deeper than wanted to keep up with the Jones', but seeing them with their beautiful children make me more and more antsy. Being faced with my mother's mortality also has me wanting a child more than before. When we first found out, one of my biggest heartbreaks was the thought that my mom may never know a child of mine. She is such an amazing mom, and even more amazing grandma, or Mimi in her case, I would be devestated if my children never knew her love.

So, without getting into the gory details, reproducing is definitely on our to-do list. I will most definitely keep all interested in the loop. Here's to baby making!