All Along The Watchtower.....

So sue me. I haven't been blogging. It's been like...ahem...3 WEEKS! I haven't forgot you old dear blog....
 :( I just...don't have anything to say. It's sad since I tend to have A LOT to say, but usually it's nothing to go out and tell the world about. This blog was mainly started to talk about my journey with my faith, and I finally started doing it when my mom was diagnosed with cancer. The blog then was fueled by my reading of the Old Testament, and the things I was thinking, feeling, experiencing while reading it. Well, brace yourself, I've stopped reading it.

Don't get mad! It's not permanent, it's not even intentional, I just haven't been doing it. I think I got burned out. I was reading up to a book a night. Which is a lot, at least to me. I think the issue started when I got to Psalms. *Pausing for gasp.* Yes, I know everyone loves the Psalms. Why would she ever have a problem with them?!?!?

 OK, the problem with Psalms is, it's very very very long. Like 150 Chapters long. Another problem is, I'm reading the contemporary version of The Bible, "The Message." It is GREAT! Don't get me wrong, it's doing all the things I'm needing it to do. It's explaining and telling me the story of God, Jesus, Faith, Love in a very easy was for me to read and understand. However, the romance, the fancy word plays, the beautiful rhyme and rhythm of the more traditional forms of the Bible is missing. Like one of the most famous verses in the Bible, In Psalms, "The Lord is My Shepherd, I Shall Not Want...." is translated into The Message version, as..."God, my Shepherd! I don't need a thing!" As you can see...the second version is lacking. The thing I love about The Message is the thing I dislike most about it. It took me alonggggg time to get through Psalms for that reason, it didn't move me, it didn't bring back all the times people have quoted, sang, preached, the Psalms, because it wasn't there. The verses were stripped. It wasn't pretty. It wasn't nastaglic.

I understand this, and I respect it. The Message has a specific purpose, to let us read the Bible in a way that people can easily understand the concepts and the stories. It does take away the magic, which is why it took me so long to get through Psalms, because Psalms are all prayers and songs. Prayers and songs stripped of their romance and magic are not prayers and songs at all. So, my awesome Bible reading machine stalled. Pretty bad actually. I FINALLY got through Psalms a few weeks ago and have started Proverbs, which is better. But, since the night I started reading Proverbs and got about half way through it, was the last time I have read it.

I don't have any excuse, my life isn't busy, things with my mom are much better, I've just lost my enthusiasm and motivation. Dang that Old Testament is long!!!! 

However, I will get through it. I'm just looking and waiting for a kick in the butt from the enthusiasm monster.

P.S. About my title....NOTHING to do with my current blog, I was going to blog about Battlestar Galactica (if you haven't seen it, it won't make sense.) Don't laugh at the Battlestar Galactica future blog. This show is/was amazing and has so many ideas and messages about God and humanity and what we are doing to ourselves that it is DEFINITELY worthy of the next blog. Sooooo, stay tuned!

Let Go (Let God?)

Dang! If that title of a blog doesn't catch your attention, I don't know what will! I didn't title this blog, however, for it's eye-catching appeal, I titled it this simply because I'm heading there. When I hear this somewhat cheesy phrase, "Let Go, Let God," I think a few things, "UGH THAT IS SO CHEESY..." is a big one, we know, another one would be, sounds like someone is trying to tell me to surrender. Surrender to what? Surrender to who? God, I would imagine....

From writing all these blogs and having all these "what ifs" about faith come in and out of my brain ALL THE TIME, recently I find myself wondering if I should just let go. I'm slowly (don't get too excited yet) starting to believe that God is around. I've talked about before if the miraculous things that have happened with my mom's cancer is God shaking me and saying, pardon my french, "Wake up dumbass!" "You asked for proof, you asked for a sign, here it is!" I speculated, hoped, wished that that was the case, but deep down didn't really think that's what was going on. Lately, however, perhaps it is. Why not? Why couldn't it be?

Recently letting go sounds like something I would very much enjoy. Let go. Let God. Perhaps I should surrender this fight I am having with my faith. Give up. Stop fighting it so darn much! Let it go. Let IT happen. Let God show me. Open my eyes and ears and listen.

Now don't get all excited, I'm no cured doubter I don't think, but a small barrier has come down. Fighting what may be the truth is not really what I'm interested in doing anymore. I've never been a person to say that God and his works are a "no-way," however, I have had a mucho hard time saying it is a "yes-way."

Why do I fight it so? What would be so bad about having a big ol' daddio-type figure watching out for me and my peeps? Why would it be horrible to have a light guiding my path, someone to talk to, someone to reach for, someone to lean on?

 Perhaps I doubt because of me, not because of God. Not because of what God is or isn't, but because what I would be or not be. If I believe and turn out to be wrong, I look like a big fat idiot. Naive, ignorant, immature to real life and it's ways. My failures and sadness and lose would be because of me, not because God was looking out and had a better plan for me or the ones I loved. I guess I just don't want to look stupid. I don't want to be conned.

Never-the-less, (sorry for straying, maybe, there for a bit) I am letting go.....a little. I am letting God... a little. I'm saying, "Hmmmmm, nice move, God. Interesting strategy with the whole gonna-beat-the-crap-outta-this-cancer-and-make-it-look-like nothing routine. What else ya got?"

New one? Not so much.....

So I've been thinking I need/want to post a new blog. But not much about my faith and my God-journey has been on my mind except what I blogged about most recently. Prayer. Not just prayer, but the power of prayer. What it does. What God does.

We all know that prayer usually has two purposes: to say to God, "Pretty Please" or "Thanks Man!" I try to say thanks more than I say please...well...just because. It seems like the right thing to do, right? Jeremy and I pray before every meal, something my family never did when I was growing up, with the exception of Thanksgiving. I don't like to be the one in charge of the praying because I'm not sure what to say, I'm worried if I'll sound stupid in front of Jeremy and think that I could never pray as well as him. I'm taking baby steps with the out loud dinner praying. Presently, I'm only in charge of dinner-praying when we eat out at Valentino's, my fav. guilty pleasure Italian buffet. However, since it's my fav. we go there about once a week.

When he and I both pray, we always first thank God for our meal. Jeremy does it because he believes God provides us with all our food, I Thank God for our food because that's what Jeremy does. :)

God didn't make that pizza for me, he didn't made the dough, cook the tomatoes, brown the meat. He didn't even grow the vegetables on his farm. Yes, some of you may say, OH YES HE DID! HE GAVE US THIS EARTH TO GROW FOOD!....Whatever. Why I am not thanking God for Earth before breakfast then, instead of for my pancakes?

All this babbling comes down to a few small thoughts: The reason why I am on this journey; seeking, asking, studying, reading, is because I want to KNOW why I believe what I do, I want proof, I want reasons behind it, I don't want to praise God because that's the norm, or because I'm afraid to go to hell or afraid to do anything else, I want to praise God because I have learned about God and talked to Christians and decided that's what I believe.

That's my little issue with prayer: I don't want to pray just because that's what good Christian people do. I want to KNOW why I pray. I want to KNOW why I thank God for things that God may not give me, directly, indirectly, in any way.

I imagine that my asking this question is becoming a bit redundant, my apologies. I suppose I am just not hearing or seeing or finding a sufficient answer to my questions. Yet.

How do I know?

Ever since we found out that my mom had a tumor in her lung the massive amount of prayers began. From me, my husband, immediate family, extended family, friends and people that have never met my amazing mother.

We were hoping for the best but preparing and thinking about the worst. It's hard not to think of the worst when symptoms she was having (chest pains) usually are indicative of late stage lung cancer. Assuming because if your tumor is big and bad enough to cause you to have chest pains, it's bad news. This was verified by the research I have done online saying chest pains are signs of late stage cancer. With this, and the fact that during the first meeting with her oncologist, he was worried her lung fluid might have cancer, which would put her in stage 3-B, pretty much a death sentence....it is safe to say we were terrified.

So, we prayed. Everyone did. I made several facebook and email requests for everyone and their dog to pray for her and our family. Good news! We need good news! We prayed for a small tumor. We prayed for an early stage. We prayed for no spreading. We prayed surgery could remove it and cure her. We prayed for the doctors and the nurses to take care of her. We prayed her heart was healthy enough to handle removing her tumor and we prayed for a successful surgery and recovery. So far, against ALL odds, all of our prayers have come true. (Lung cancer is the number one of cancer deaths and the has the second worse prognosis after pancreatic.)

Since I am on this Faith-journey, prayer has been a central part of my life, so has the question of prayer. I desperately want to believe that all of our prayers to God has helped him help her. But a part of me wonders if we just got lucky. I know this is a conversation we all have, I had it a little while ago in a blog as a matter of fact. I feel like if I attribute this amazing news to God, I'm being naive.

Maybe us getting such great news time after time is God trying to shake me saying, "Sara! Look! I'm trying to show you! I'm trying to prove to you! Open your eyes and pay attention! You ask all the time to see me and know me and want a sign that I am here and listening, here it is!" But how do I know?

Attention: All God-fearing people!

Before I read the Bible and started reading and talking about this faith journey I'm on, I never understood why people would define themselves as a "God Fearing Man." Or woman for that matter. They always described themselves in this manner when talking about how they were faithful Christians and lived a God-centered life. So I was confused. God was our father. God was papa, he loved us and blessed us and looked after us and we are his children. Why are we fearing him? I don't fear my mother that loves me and takes care of me. The only reason I would fear God was if I didn't believe in him or if I was a crazy-pants sinner. Why would good Christians be proud that they were "God-fearing?" These were my thoughts before I read the bible.

Now that I have read the New Testament and am a good way into the Old Testament, I understand this. God is scary!!! I hope I don't get negative points in the Sara-going-to-heaven checklist book for saying that and saying the things to come....But come on!

OK wait, first let me say, I really should have read the Old Testament before the New, I would have understand the New alot better if I had read the Old first. So, now after I read the Old, I'm going back to read the New again, because the God I am getting to know in the Old, is much different than the one I got to know in the New.

Back to what I am finding out reading the Old...(still hoping I don't get negative points here)...God is a bit like a women during THAT time of the month. He seems to be very temperamental, unpredictable, scary and sometimes...dare I say it, cruel and unfair. He killed people for the sins of their ancestors, was quick to make deadly decisions and had no problem taking our millions of people because they did not worship him. I have made it to the book of Ruth so far in the Old Testament, and I'll tell you, reading up to Ruth has been rough. It is said many a times, God is a jealous God. YA THINK?!?!?! He certainly is. God also says many times, Fear Me. I am God, fear God. I asked my husband why we should fear God, and he thinks fear used in that way means Respect. OK, well I can respect God, and that sounds a lot nicer....but if it's supposed to mean Respect, why doesn't it say respect. I have a feeling it means Fear, and we should Fear.

God did a lot of things that I do not understand and that I feel bad about. I especially feel bad for Moses. Moses worked his butt off! He put up with the Israelites that were acting like toddlers, not listening, giving him a hard time, had all that pressure of being the sole person between all of the Israelites and God, and God would not let him join the Israelites in the Promised Land just because he made a little (in my eyes) mistake.

God does show a lot of mercy and a lot of forgiveness in the Bible, as well. Even though he is harsh, he also says if you ask for forgiveness, I will forgive you, and he does every time. Why couldn't he have been merciful with Moses. If ANYBODY deserved that stinkin' Promised Land it was Moses.

I feel like the Israelites were learning, toddlers like I am in the school of God and Faith, and they weren't given any wiggle room. They weren't given any chance to fail and try again. This really hits home for me because I am just like the Israelites. I am learning, I feel the need to test God, I don't have all my faith ducks in a row. I desperately need mercy, I need God to allow me to make mistakes and falter in my faith and allow me to get back up and dust myself off and keep going on my journey without being damned.  Maybe I am wrong, maybe I am seeing things the wrong way, but all I can say is, THANK GOD FOR JESUS!!!!