Here I am, back to God. Back to my discussion, back to my search. Of course I would always come back, right? My blog tonight is inspired by a longtime dear friend, Pam, who has been dealt a heavy heavy blow this year. Recently we chatted about her heart, and what God has to do with it.
Pam's dad recently passed away from a horribly fast acting scary cancer that came and went and took his sweet life in almost a blink of an eye. Having a family of strong, unwavering awe-inspiring faith, I KNEW that God would not forsake them. If if anyone would be healed from the prayers of the masses, it would be Pam's daddy. How could He ignore so many voices crying out to Him? How could He do nothing? His cancer was advanced, but no one thought he would go, God was on their side. However, away he did go. Too fast. Too soon. Leaving six children and a wife searching for answers.
Pam tried to explain to me the ache of losing her daddy all while still trying to love God. And I tried to understand. We discussed and she tried to teach me. Despite her anger with God, despite her questions, despite her tired body and aching heart and crying eyes, she shows me where God is. She vouches for God. She tries to show ME where God is in her dad's passing.
We discussed if God steps in when we pray. A question I have struggled with tremendously on this journey. We discussed what life on Earth means to us, and what it means to God. Life on Earth is a blink of an eye to God, a pit stop to eternity. Yes, He hurts when we hurt, when our dad's die, but they were just taking a little bathroom break on the way to their eternal home. Earth is not where we belong. Earth is certainly not where Pam's dad belonged, his home is in Heaven. But does that make it hurt any less? Absolutely not.
Pam taught me that is OK to question. To be angry. To stand up and walk away. God can handle it. But eventually, every knee shall bow.
I hope when I bow before God that he knows, which of course he will, how much I searched. How much I longed for a relationship with him. I will continue to pray and search until I find him. And ultimately, myself.