Saturday, April 28, 2012

What am I doing here?

My brain and heart are going crazy lately. I am becoming much more comfortable and confident in my role as a Christian, or perhaps, still, a doubting Christian, and the work and prayers and hard road that identity I so much longed for, has taken me one. However, the role as a mommy, or more specifically, a stay at home mommy, has thrown me for a loop. I am screaming. Now, I try to tread lightly on this topic as most of my friends are in the workforce, two of my closest, are actually the breadwinners of the family, while daddy stays home with the little. This, I am afraid, is definitely a "grass is greener on the other side" predicament. 

A stay at home mom. Oh how lovely! Mommy surely will get to sleep in until 10 am (because babies sleep all the time) and while daddy is away at work we will play with our toys and mommy will tune in to "The Today Show" and "Dr. Phil" and sip hot tea. Later in the day we will take the dogs on a walk and BOY, you sure do love to hear the birdies chirp and watch the cars pass by, and with all this walking we are doing mommy will lose 20 pounds. Then we'll come home and you'll take your 2 hour nap, mommy may take a little nap with you...or maybe she'll bake some cookies to take to the play group tomorrow. Oh daddy's home! Time to cook dinner and get you your bath. Now, sssshhhhhh, Night night, baby!

How pretty. How....suburban. How Truman Show-ish. How fake. 

This doesn't happen, but this is what I thought happened. Or thought should? happen.....? 

What am I doing? I love my daughter, she is my heart and soul. But is this what I'm doing now? 

My day is a slightly more realistic, everyday, monotonous experience. Even the "dream" stay at home mom scenario I mocked above about bored me to tears. And that's the dream! My husband tells me that I have the most important job in life: to raise our children, when I ask is this all I am? Is this what I've become? 

I find myself searching online for social work jobs so I can put on my slacks and my fancy blouses and my high heels and head out the door in the morning to my wonderful, fulfilling job. Helping people quit their addictions and deal with their anger and forgive their mothers and confront their demons, all while my little pumpkin plays and laughs and interacts with other little pumpkins at the daycare she hates to leave when I come to pick her up after work. 

Oh but that's just a dream as well, isn't it? Where is my middle ground? How do I not lose myself? How do I raise my children and be present and thankful for my precious time with them as they are babies and toddlers, but feel I am doing more than heating bottles and examining poop. Folding clothes and grocery shopping. It's a delicate balance, one I am realizing desperately needs more practice. 


1 comment:

  1. I feel like I am on the exact extreme opposite end of the spectrum from you, yet something in what you wrote resonated with me. I don't have anything encouraging to tell you, because I know absolutely nothing about where you're at in life. All I know today is that I can't seem to grasp anything real or make sense of life around me to get my feet on the ground long enough to move forward, and what I desire is out of reach. Maybe because of that there is a single tiny common thread we share. Anyway, thanks for writing so honestly.