Thursday, May 24, 2012

What I Like About You

I had lunch with an old friend yesterday and it was the first time she had met Mina, and Sara, as a mommy. We spent our time talking about social work, crazy jobs, crazy people, and being mommies. As we were talking about mommy-hood, she asked me what my favorite thing about being a mom was, what I loved the most.

A simple question. Or is it?

 "Psshhhh, I dunno?!" Was my first reaction. Then, "I love everything about it!" How cliche. (And not true by the way.)  I don't love everything about being a mom, some things are really difficult, but there are a lot of things I do love. 

The thing I love the most about being a mom is the me I become when I love her. I am different. I am selfless. My diva-ness that I tend to have, is put aside. My needs, my desires, are hers. I think of her first. I dream for her. I cry for her. My future plans are viewed through a lense of what is best for her. She has helped me be this person. I love that.  

I love to see her grow, see her look at me as if I am all she will ever need. I love that when I walk in the room, she smiles. She laughs at my funny faces and my funny noises and holds on tight when I pick her up. She loves me simply because I am me. Her mommy. She doesn't ask questions, give ultimatums or make demands. She just loves. 

I love my mom being able to see me as a mom. I see the pride in her eyes as she watches me learn and grow and develop into a mom I hope she always wished I would be.

I love the growth of my husband and I's relationship. We are no longer just husband and wife, we are mommy and daddy. I love that we jokingly fight over who loves her more and who contributed more to her perfect-ness (I did of course.) I love that we look at each other and silently give each other the "good job." I love seeing him as a father, his pride.

I love that we share a bond that will never be broken. 

I love her. 

                 Some things are hard, but most things are beautiful. Most things, I love

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Every Knee Shall Bow

Here I am, back to God. Back to my discussion, back to my search. Of course I would always come back, right? My blog tonight is inspired by a longtime dear friend, Pam, who has been dealt a heavy heavy blow this year. Recently we chatted about her heart, and what God has to do with it.

Pam's dad recently passed away from a horribly fast acting scary cancer that came and went and took his sweet life in almost a blink of an eye. Having a family of strong, unwavering awe-inspiring faith, I KNEW that God would not forsake them. If if anyone would be healed from the prayers of the masses, it would be Pam's daddy. How could He ignore so many voices crying out to Him? How could He do nothing? His cancer was advanced, but no one thought he would go, God was on their side. However, away he did go. Too fast. Too soon. Leaving six children and a wife searching for answers.



Pam tried to explain to me the ache of losing her daddy all while still trying to love God. And I tried to understand. We discussed and she tried to teach me. Despite her anger with God, despite her questions, despite her tired body and aching heart and crying eyes, she shows me where God is. She vouches for God. She tries to show ME where God is in her dad's passing.

We discussed if God steps in when we pray. A question I have struggled with tremendously on this journey. We discussed what life on Earth means to us, and what it means to God. Life on Earth is a blink of an eye to God, a pit stop to eternity. Yes, He hurts when we hurt, when our dad's die, but they were just taking a little bathroom break on the way to their eternal home. Earth is not where we belong. Earth is certainly not where Pam's dad belonged, his home is in Heaven. But does that make it hurt any less? Absolutely not.

Pam taught me that is OK to question. To be angry. To stand up and walk away. God can handle it. But eventually, every knee shall bow.

I hope when I bow before God that he knows, which of course he will, how much I searched. How much I longed for a relationship with him. I will continue to pray and search until I find him. And ultimately, myself.