Dang! If that title of a blog doesn't catch your attention, I don't know what will! I didn't title this blog, however, for it's eye-catching appeal, I titled it this simply because I'm heading there. When I hear this somewhat cheesy phrase, "Let Go, Let God," I think a few things, "UGH THAT IS SO CHEESY..." is a big one, we know, another one would be, sounds like someone is trying to tell me to surrender. Surrender to what? Surrender to who? God, I would imagine....
From writing all these blogs and having all these "what ifs" about faith come in and out of my brain ALL THE TIME, recently I find myself wondering if I should just let go. I'm slowly (don't get too excited yet) starting to believe that God is around. I've talked about before if the miraculous things that have happened with my mom's cancer is God shaking me and saying, pardon my french, "Wake up dumbass!" "You asked for proof, you asked for a sign, here it is!" I speculated, hoped, wished that that was the case, but deep down didn't really think that's what was going on. Lately, however, perhaps it is. Why not? Why couldn't it be?
Recently letting go sounds like something I would very much enjoy. Let go. Let God. Perhaps I should surrender this fight I am having with my faith. Give up. Stop fighting it so darn much! Let it go. Let IT happen. Let God show me. Open my eyes and ears and listen.
Now don't get all excited, I'm no cured doubter I don't think, but a small barrier has come down. Fighting what may be the truth is not really what I'm interested in doing anymore. I've never been a person to say that God and his works are a "no-way," however, I have had a mucho hard time saying it is a "yes-way."
Why do I fight it so? What would be so bad about having a big ol' daddio-type figure watching out for me and my peeps? Why would it be horrible to have a light guiding my path, someone to talk to, someone to reach for, someone to lean on?
Perhaps I doubt because of me, not because of God. Not because of what God is or isn't, but because what I would be or not be. If I believe and turn out to be wrong, I look like a big fat idiot. Naive, ignorant, immature to real life and it's ways. My failures and sadness and lose would be because of me, not because God was looking out and had a better plan for me or the ones I loved. I guess I just don't want to look stupid. I don't want to be conned.
Never-the-less, (sorry for straying, maybe, there for a bit) I am letting go.....a little. I am letting God... a little. I'm saying, "Hmmmmm, nice move, God. Interesting strategy with the whole gonna-beat-the-crap-outta-this-cancer-and-make-it-look-like nothing routine. What else ya got?"
Showing posts with label cancer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cancer. Show all posts
Monday, March 28, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
How do I know?
Ever since we found out that my mom had a tumor in her lung the massive amount of prayers began. From me, my husband, immediate family, extended family, friends and people that have never met my amazing mother.
We were hoping for the best but preparing and thinking about the worst. It's hard not to think of the worst when symptoms she was having (chest pains) usually are indicative of late stage lung cancer. Assuming because if your tumor is big and bad enough to cause you to have chest pains, it's bad news. This was verified by the research I have done online saying chest pains are signs of late stage cancer. With this, and the fact that during the first meeting with her oncologist, he was worried her lung fluid might have cancer, which would put her in stage 3-B, pretty much a death sentence....it is safe to say we were terrified.
So, we prayed. Everyone did. I made several facebook and email requests for everyone and their dog to pray for her and our family. Good news! We need good news! We prayed for a small tumor. We prayed for an early stage. We prayed for no spreading. We prayed surgery could remove it and cure her. We prayed for the doctors and the nurses to take care of her. We prayed her heart was healthy enough to handle removing her tumor and we prayed for a successful surgery and recovery. So far, against ALL odds, all of our prayers have come true. (Lung cancer is the number one of cancer deaths and the has the second worse prognosis after pancreatic.)
Since I am on this Faith-journey, prayer has been a central part of my life, so has the question of prayer. I desperately want to believe that all of our prayers to God has helped him help her. But a part of me wonders if we just got lucky. I know this is a conversation we all have, I had it a little while ago in a blog as a matter of fact. I feel like if I attribute this amazing news to God, I'm being naive.
Maybe us getting such great news time after time is God trying to shake me saying, "Sara! Look! I'm trying to show you! I'm trying to prove to you! Open your eyes and pay attention! You ask all the time to see me and know me and want a sign that I am here and listening, here it is!" But how do I know?
We were hoping for the best but preparing and thinking about the worst. It's hard not to think of the worst when symptoms she was having (chest pains) usually are indicative of late stage lung cancer. Assuming because if your tumor is big and bad enough to cause you to have chest pains, it's bad news. This was verified by the research I have done online saying chest pains are signs of late stage cancer. With this, and the fact that during the first meeting with her oncologist, he was worried her lung fluid might have cancer, which would put her in stage 3-B, pretty much a death sentence....it is safe to say we were terrified.
So, we prayed. Everyone did. I made several facebook and email requests for everyone and their dog to pray for her and our family. Good news! We need good news! We prayed for a small tumor. We prayed for an early stage. We prayed for no spreading. We prayed surgery could remove it and cure her. We prayed for the doctors and the nurses to take care of her. We prayed her heart was healthy enough to handle removing her tumor and we prayed for a successful surgery and recovery. So far, against ALL odds, all of our prayers have come true. (Lung cancer is the number one of cancer deaths and the has the second worse prognosis after pancreatic.)
Since I am on this Faith-journey, prayer has been a central part of my life, so has the question of prayer. I desperately want to believe that all of our prayers to God has helped him help her. But a part of me wonders if we just got lucky. I know this is a conversation we all have, I had it a little while ago in a blog as a matter of fact. I feel like if I attribute this amazing news to God, I'm being naive.
Maybe us getting such great news time after time is God trying to shake me saying, "Sara! Look! I'm trying to show you! I'm trying to prove to you! Open your eyes and pay attention! You ask all the time to see me and know me and want a sign that I am here and listening, here it is!" But how do I know?
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Baby White
Don't get excited. No Baby White yet. However, we are on the road. I figured I've been way to sad and depressed in all of my blogs since I have started this ol' thing, and I certainly don't want to consume my life with those thoughts. I haven't been thinking negatively since we have gotten good news regarding the "C," so I think my blog should be happy too! So, a side-step to chatting about our fun new journey!
Much debate has filled the White household these days. We both want a baby, just the time of such a bundle of joy is up in the air. Multiple things hinder us from making a decision, the "C" and the "A." hehe. The "A" being the other unstable thing in our life, the ARMY! We have been supposed to move for a few months now, we are hoping since my mom is sick we can push back that move a little further still so I can be close to her as long as possible. Also, we are trying to get into law school. Being in law school whould be a much more stable environment for me to be pregnant in, instead of the "who knows when we'll deploy" environment.Anyways...
I have major baby fever. I've been taking prenatal vitamins for about a month now and have very recently gotten off my birth control. That has been the biggest, and most frightening thing so far! I've had my old friend, BC for many-a-years now and it feels very strange to be....exposed? That's not even the right word. Maybe it is, birth control has always given me a sense of protection, as it should...and now that it's gone. I feel like I could be attacked at any moment! HA!
So many great friends have just had a baby, or are pregnant or just getting pregnant. Obviously, my desires for a child are deeper than wanted to keep up with the Jones', but seeing them with their beautiful children make me more and more antsy. Being faced with my mother's mortality also has me wanting a child more than before. When we first found out, one of my biggest heartbreaks was the thought that my mom may never know a child of mine. She is such an amazing mom, and even more amazing grandma, or Mimi in her case, I would be devestated if my children never knew her love.
So, without getting into the gory details, reproducing is definitely on our to-do list. I will most definitely keep all interested in the loop. Here's to baby making!
Much debate has filled the White household these days. We both want a baby, just the time of such a bundle of joy is up in the air. Multiple things hinder us from making a decision, the "C" and the "A." hehe. The "A" being the other unstable thing in our life, the ARMY! We have been supposed to move for a few months now, we are hoping since my mom is sick we can push back that move a little further still so I can be close to her as long as possible. Also, we are trying to get into law school. Being in law school whould be a much more stable environment for me to be pregnant in, instead of the "who knows when we'll deploy" environment.Anyways...
I have major baby fever. I've been taking prenatal vitamins for about a month now and have very recently gotten off my birth control. That has been the biggest, and most frightening thing so far! I've had my old friend, BC for many-a-years now and it feels very strange to be....exposed? That's not even the right word. Maybe it is, birth control has always given me a sense of protection, as it should...and now that it's gone. I feel like I could be attacked at any moment! HA!
So many great friends have just had a baby, or are pregnant or just getting pregnant. Obviously, my desires for a child are deeper than wanted to keep up with the Jones', but seeing them with their beautiful children make me more and more antsy. Being faced with my mother's mortality also has me wanting a child more than before. When we first found out, one of my biggest heartbreaks was the thought that my mom may never know a child of mine. She is such an amazing mom, and even more amazing grandma, or Mimi in her case, I would be devestated if my children never knew her love.
So, without getting into the gory details, reproducing is definitely on our to-do list. I will most definitely keep all interested in the loop. Here's to baby making!
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