The REAL Baby White!

So, *Sigh,* I've finally gotten my butt into gear and made another post to my blog. I have no clue how long it's been, probably 4 months? Eeeeek!!!! Shame on me. My apologies, but, I have an excuse, by the name of BABY!!!! I made a post several months ago about the ol' hubs and I starting to try to have a baby, and now here we are!!! We are SOOOO lucky to not to have waited for very long, took us about 3 months. Even though during the time we were trying the weeks of waiting seemed like MONTHS, and I was worried that it may not work for some reason (I am a worrier.) Once we finally got our positive, I was really surprised and thankful that we were blessed with a baby after hardly anytime at all of trying. All of you mommies or ladies trying to be mommies that struggled or are currently struggling with conceiving, I commend you!!! Your strength is beyond comprehension to me. 

Anywhos, we have gradually told family and close friends over the last several weeks and made the big Facebook reveal about a week ago. I am 13 weeks tomorrow, and this experience has been, to say the least, LIFE ALTERING!!!! My body, seriously, does not belong to me anymore. Most every body part does not function like it used to pre-baby. When you take a step back, it really is incredible and amazing. When you are the one living it, IT'S CRAZYYYYYYYY!!! Part of the reason why I haven't been blogging is because I always used to blog late at night after Jeremy went to bed. Well, at night, Sara is a zombie. Literally, I am a walking dead person. Usually, though, I am not walking. I am a laying down, whining, crying, this-nausea-shall-be-the-death-of-me person. Now listen people, please don't take my "complaining" as a sign that I am in ANYYY WAYYYY ungrateful for the wonderful blessing God has given us. Take it as a lady who is struggling and finds comfort in sharing her experiences with others in hopes to get some good feedback. (That's why I did this whole blog thing from the beginning, remember? I'm a sharing kind of gal, it makes what I'm going through easier to handle.) 

Anyways, right when I got pregnant I bought THE book, we all know what it is, and read up on the internet. I read that you are more prone to morning sickness if you get severe motion sickness, from flying, driving, etc. RED FLAG. I am the queen of car sickness. So, I was concerned. About week 6 is when it hit. First sign of it was when I was taking a shower and suddenly felt like I needed to vomit and had to sit down in the shower. It was quick, went away, but I knew, uh oh, here it comes. Fast forward 7 weeks later, I am still, struggling. I've tried preggie pops, sea bands, my Dr even gave my a Rx for nausea and vomiting for chemo patients (Zofran) and nothing works. The Zofran is successful in keeping the vomiting at bay, but not the nausea. This nausea is like car sickness jacked up on steroids or something. It's insane. God bless my poor husband for all the torture he's endured from taking care of me each and every night for the last 7 weeks.(My sickness is at night, I feel fine during the morning/early daytime) I am praying and hoping and begging the good Lord above to ease this nausea now that my 1st trimester is over. Dang it's been difficult. 

However, I am coping better than I was 4 weeks ago. Coping better probably because I feel that I am towards the end of it and most likely relief is on it's way. Week 8-10 or so, no way. Game over. I didn't think I was going to make it. But here we are, week 13. A milestone! No more 1st trimester! Everyone says the 2nd is wonderful and I can't wait!!! I can't wait to start feeling the little guy or gal moving and kicking! It's going to be wild, I can just imagine! 

I do have a bit of a belly already. Dang it Sara for not working more on those ab muscles! LOL! I could have kept the thing under wraps a little longer. Don't get me wrong, I'm super excited for a baby belly, but what I have now looks just like I'm a tubbo who had a big supper. :) I'm afraid people look at my when I'm in public and are like, "wow, sister needs to work on her cardio!" I just want to tell everyone that I'm pregnant, not fat. Oh well. :) I know I need to start taking belly pics, but I NEVER do my hair or makeup anymore and look like crap most of the time, so I'm trying to wait for a day where I actually look like a human. :) I'm thinking we will try to take the first one tomorrow. 

For those of you interested, here are some baby/mama highlights so far!!!

Pregnancy Highlights:

How far along:  13 weeks
Size of baby:  Baby White is about the size of a peach!!! (Appropriate I suppose since we are moving to Georgia next week)
Total Weight Gain:  About 1 pound. 
Maternity Clothes:  None. All I've been wearing are stretchy pants/shorts and t-shirts or dresses. 

Gender:  I took a sketchy gender predictor urine test they sell at drug stores for fun, and it said a boy. However, I am not putting much stock into and the hubs is putting absolutely NO stock into it. He was annoyed I even bought it. hehehe. :) 

Sleep:  It's hard to fall asleep since I feel like vomiting constantly, but sleeping has been ok so far. 

What I miss: Watching the food network :( Not possible when I feel sick. I don't miss caffeine since I didn't drink much pop and never drank coffee before baby. 

Cravings:  None really. It's more like, what foods are tolerable at the moment. That's basically starches. A lot of breads (Pizza, breadsticks, pb sandwiches) and potatoes. I eat a lot of fruit too.

Symptoms: Tiredness, not like sleepy tired though. Like, I can hardly walk in Target for 15 minutes tired, NAUSEA, and a lot of food aversions like chicken and veggies.

Like I had mentioned above, the inevitable move to Georgia is finally upon us. I am extremely sad to be leaving my family, especially my mommy. However, I am coming back to KS in two months,and then she and my step-dad are coming down for Thanksgiving and she will be back again for baby's arrival. I am so sad that I won't be able to share all my pregnancy issues with her first hand and that she won't be able to come to my doctor's appt's and see my growing belly. However, I suppose I knew this would come when I married an Army officer so I need to figure it out. The upside is, we will only be a few hours from Jeremy's family and I know they are very excited to share our pregnancy experiences with us. So, at least I won't be completely family-less! 

That is all for now! I have gone on way to long as it is!!! Keep reading for the next Baby White installment! 

Dinner Impossible (With a baby)

OK, so this blog has mostly been about my Faith, but today, I will be taking a (slight?) detour on this road. Be forewarned, there is a signifcant amount of judging in this blog, perhaps warranted, perhaps not. (However, on the God note, is judging ever warranted? Besides from the big Man upstairs?)  Anywhos, regardless, it's in here, so you have been warned.  Proceed with caution.

Let's rewind about 6 hours. The hubs has been a boo hooin' allll weekend to go see this dang movie, "Thor." I can't watch movies in the theater, I just don't care to be there, it's a rough go for me and I usually manage to wiggle my way out of it. However, he has been in the field all week and only gets a few days at home this month, so he guilted me in to going. In exchange for sitting in this (not so bad in the end) movie, I made him take me to dinner first.

Scene: Parking lot of Famous Daves. We get out of the car and first thing I see a is gentelman yelling at his baby. He was holding his baby (yes, BABY) and yelling in it's ear "STOP IT! BE QUIET...NOW!" Once he saw us he stopped. (Shocker) I motioned Jeremy to peek his head back into the car, and I proceeded to say, "DID YOU SEE THAT GUY?! HE'S SCREAMING AT HIS BABY!" Then I acted out, all tough like, what I was going to say to said guy about being a social worker and a mandated reporter. He begged me not to say anything and I settled for a big long glare. (Let me state, for the record, that child protection (and maybe most people) would not consider what I just watched abuse, and I may be a little more sensitive to these situations, so I did not report.)

We went inside, sat at out table, when the guy brought his baby back inside and lucky me, sat right in front of us. So, I had a front row seat to the upcoming shit show (pardon me) while Jeremy had his back to whole thing. Commence an hour or so of Sara saying "Turn around and look at this!" "I can't stop looking!" "This is infuriating!!" And Jeremy of course, not turning around and telling me to stop staring.

What I watched, was a very very oh so very ignorant mother and father "parent" their child. By this time, dad had taken a back seat and mama was driving this thing. Their son, who could not be more than 12 months old, if that, was sitting in a high chair, "eating" a whole meal that looked to be for an adult. He had a fork and was trying to mess with his food. Mommy rolled her eyes and told him to STOP very sturnly when this BABY could not eat his ADULT meal properly. When the BABY looked over at a near by table, mommy started snapping her fingers in front of his face and yelled at him to quite looking at them. *Sighhhh*

I couldn't take my eyes off of them. I was very angry. A classic case of of an ignorant parent, who knows nothing about being a parent, expecting their child to act a way that, developmentally, that child can NOT act or does not know HOW to act. When the baby doens't act the way mommy and daddy THINKS it should, baby is punished.

Mommy went on to "cry" at the table. Now I know I am being harsh, I don't know these people, but I've just watch them be completely inappropriate parents for 30 minutes. So mom was "crying." I call it "crying" because he face did get really red but no tears or anything, and she NOT so subtly kept looking around to see if anyone could see her crying.

After her woes of being a crappy ass parent brought her to "tears" her baby got up in his high chair. Mommy started in on him which made him cry. Mommy then forced him to sit back down and belted him in...then gave baby a "take that you piece of shit" (sorry I'm rawled up) nasty horrible glare. (Seriously, it was hurtful for me to even watch it.) Now I'm ok with strapping your baby in the high chair, but they were done eating, getting ready to leave. Presumbably baby just wanted to be held, a little love. Nope. In the hour I sat there and watched this, baby received no love. No touch. No smiles. He got glared at, and yelled at, and ignored.

Yes, I may be a overly sensitive social worker. Yes, babies can sometimes be extremelyyyy unrulely and drive you to tears out of shear frustration. But this really wasn't the case. I promise.

To top it all off! Yes, there is more! At the end of their meal their waiter brings them out a "comlimentary dessert." I'm guessing to comfort poor mommy of her horrible dinner experience with PSYCHO BABY! (Yes, I was listening as well as watching, sue me.)

Great. So now we are rewarding ignorant witless parents. Lovely.


Judgment Over.

All Along The Watchtower.....

So sue me. I haven't been blogging. It's been like...ahem...3 WEEKS! I haven't forgot you old dear blog....
 :( I just...don't have anything to say. It's sad since I tend to have A LOT to say, but usually it's nothing to go out and tell the world about. This blog was mainly started to talk about my journey with my faith, and I finally started doing it when my mom was diagnosed with cancer. The blog then was fueled by my reading of the Old Testament, and the things I was thinking, feeling, experiencing while reading it. Well, brace yourself, I've stopped reading it.

Don't get mad! It's not permanent, it's not even intentional, I just haven't been doing it. I think I got burned out. I was reading up to a book a night. Which is a lot, at least to me. I think the issue started when I got to Psalms. *Pausing for gasp.* Yes, I know everyone loves the Psalms. Why would she ever have a problem with them?!?!?

 OK, the problem with Psalms is, it's very very very long. Like 150 Chapters long. Another problem is, I'm reading the contemporary version of The Bible, "The Message." It is GREAT! Don't get me wrong, it's doing all the things I'm needing it to do. It's explaining and telling me the story of God, Jesus, Faith, Love in a very easy was for me to read and understand. However, the romance, the fancy word plays, the beautiful rhyme and rhythm of the more traditional forms of the Bible is missing. Like one of the most famous verses in the Bible, In Psalms, "The Lord is My Shepherd, I Shall Not Want...." is translated into The Message version, as..."God, my Shepherd! I don't need a thing!" As you can see...the second version is lacking. The thing I love about The Message is the thing I dislike most about it. It took me alonggggg time to get through Psalms for that reason, it didn't move me, it didn't bring back all the times people have quoted, sang, preached, the Psalms, because it wasn't there. The verses were stripped. It wasn't pretty. It wasn't nastaglic.

I understand this, and I respect it. The Message has a specific purpose, to let us read the Bible in a way that people can easily understand the concepts and the stories. It does take away the magic, which is why it took me so long to get through Psalms, because Psalms are all prayers and songs. Prayers and songs stripped of their romance and magic are not prayers and songs at all. So, my awesome Bible reading machine stalled. Pretty bad actually. I FINALLY got through Psalms a few weeks ago and have started Proverbs, which is better. But, since the night I started reading Proverbs and got about half way through it, was the last time I have read it.

I don't have any excuse, my life isn't busy, things with my mom are much better, I've just lost my enthusiasm and motivation. Dang that Old Testament is long!!!! 

However, I will get through it. I'm just looking and waiting for a kick in the butt from the enthusiasm monster.

P.S. About my title....NOTHING to do with my current blog, I was going to blog about Battlestar Galactica (if you haven't seen it, it won't make sense.) Don't laugh at the Battlestar Galactica future blog. This show is/was amazing and has so many ideas and messages about God and humanity and what we are doing to ourselves that it is DEFINITELY worthy of the next blog. Sooooo, stay tuned!

Let Go (Let God?)

Dang! If that title of a blog doesn't catch your attention, I don't know what will! I didn't title this blog, however, for it's eye-catching appeal, I titled it this simply because I'm heading there. When I hear this somewhat cheesy phrase, "Let Go, Let God," I think a few things, "UGH THAT IS SO CHEESY..." is a big one, we know, another one would be, sounds like someone is trying to tell me to surrender. Surrender to what? Surrender to who? God, I would imagine....

From writing all these blogs and having all these "what ifs" about faith come in and out of my brain ALL THE TIME, recently I find myself wondering if I should just let go. I'm slowly (don't get too excited yet) starting to believe that God is around. I've talked about before if the miraculous things that have happened with my mom's cancer is God shaking me and saying, pardon my french, "Wake up dumbass!" "You asked for proof, you asked for a sign, here it is!" I speculated, hoped, wished that that was the case, but deep down didn't really think that's what was going on. Lately, however, perhaps it is. Why not? Why couldn't it be?

Recently letting go sounds like something I would very much enjoy. Let go. Let God. Perhaps I should surrender this fight I am having with my faith. Give up. Stop fighting it so darn much! Let it go. Let IT happen. Let God show me. Open my eyes and ears and listen.

Now don't get all excited, I'm no cured doubter I don't think, but a small barrier has come down. Fighting what may be the truth is not really what I'm interested in doing anymore. I've never been a person to say that God and his works are a "no-way," however, I have had a mucho hard time saying it is a "yes-way."

Why do I fight it so? What would be so bad about having a big ol' daddio-type figure watching out for me and my peeps? Why would it be horrible to have a light guiding my path, someone to talk to, someone to reach for, someone to lean on?

 Perhaps I doubt because of me, not because of God. Not because of what God is or isn't, but because what I would be or not be. If I believe and turn out to be wrong, I look like a big fat idiot. Naive, ignorant, immature to real life and it's ways. My failures and sadness and lose would be because of me, not because God was looking out and had a better plan for me or the ones I loved. I guess I just don't want to look stupid. I don't want to be conned.

Never-the-less, (sorry for straying, maybe, there for a bit) I am letting go.....a little. I am letting God... a little. I'm saying, "Hmmmmm, nice move, God. Interesting strategy with the whole gonna-beat-the-crap-outta-this-cancer-and-make-it-look-like nothing routine. What else ya got?"

New one? Not so much.....

So I've been thinking I need/want to post a new blog. But not much about my faith and my God-journey has been on my mind except what I blogged about most recently. Prayer. Not just prayer, but the power of prayer. What it does. What God does.

We all know that prayer usually has two purposes: to say to God, "Pretty Please" or "Thanks Man!" I try to say thanks more than I say please...well...just because. It seems like the right thing to do, right? Jeremy and I pray before every meal, something my family never did when I was growing up, with the exception of Thanksgiving. I don't like to be the one in charge of the praying because I'm not sure what to say, I'm worried if I'll sound stupid in front of Jeremy and think that I could never pray as well as him. I'm taking baby steps with the out loud dinner praying. Presently, I'm only in charge of dinner-praying when we eat out at Valentino's, my fav. guilty pleasure Italian buffet. However, since it's my fav. we go there about once a week.

When he and I both pray, we always first thank God for our meal. Jeremy does it because he believes God provides us with all our food, I Thank God for our food because that's what Jeremy does. :)

God didn't make that pizza for me, he didn't made the dough, cook the tomatoes, brown the meat. He didn't even grow the vegetables on his farm. Yes, some of you may say, OH YES HE DID! HE GAVE US THIS EARTH TO GROW FOOD!....Whatever. Why I am not thanking God for Earth before breakfast then, instead of for my pancakes?

All this babbling comes down to a few small thoughts: The reason why I am on this journey; seeking, asking, studying, reading, is because I want to KNOW why I believe what I do, I want proof, I want reasons behind it, I don't want to praise God because that's the norm, or because I'm afraid to go to hell or afraid to do anything else, I want to praise God because I have learned about God and talked to Christians and decided that's what I believe.

That's my little issue with prayer: I don't want to pray just because that's what good Christian people do. I want to KNOW why I pray. I want to KNOW why I thank God for things that God may not give me, directly, indirectly, in any way.

I imagine that my asking this question is becoming a bit redundant, my apologies. I suppose I am just not hearing or seeing or finding a sufficient answer to my questions. Yet.

How do I know?

Ever since we found out that my mom had a tumor in her lung the massive amount of prayers began. From me, my husband, immediate family, extended family, friends and people that have never met my amazing mother.

We were hoping for the best but preparing and thinking about the worst. It's hard not to think of the worst when symptoms she was having (chest pains) usually are indicative of late stage lung cancer. Assuming because if your tumor is big and bad enough to cause you to have chest pains, it's bad news. This was verified by the research I have done online saying chest pains are signs of late stage cancer. With this, and the fact that during the first meeting with her oncologist, he was worried her lung fluid might have cancer, which would put her in stage 3-B, pretty much a death sentence....it is safe to say we were terrified.

So, we prayed. Everyone did. I made several facebook and email requests for everyone and their dog to pray for her and our family. Good news! We need good news! We prayed for a small tumor. We prayed for an early stage. We prayed for no spreading. We prayed surgery could remove it and cure her. We prayed for the doctors and the nurses to take care of her. We prayed her heart was healthy enough to handle removing her tumor and we prayed for a successful surgery and recovery. So far, against ALL odds, all of our prayers have come true. (Lung cancer is the number one of cancer deaths and the has the second worse prognosis after pancreatic.)

Since I am on this Faith-journey, prayer has been a central part of my life, so has the question of prayer. I desperately want to believe that all of our prayers to God has helped him help her. But a part of me wonders if we just got lucky. I know this is a conversation we all have, I had it a little while ago in a blog as a matter of fact. I feel like if I attribute this amazing news to God, I'm being naive.

Maybe us getting such great news time after time is God trying to shake me saying, "Sara! Look! I'm trying to show you! I'm trying to prove to you! Open your eyes and pay attention! You ask all the time to see me and know me and want a sign that I am here and listening, here it is!" But how do I know?

Flash forward....

So, my mom has cancer. Yeah, you know that. Well, a week ago today, she had major surgery to remove part of her lung that her cancer was at. I've spent the last week, seven days, taking care of her. I would be at the hospital the majority of the time, with my step-dad coming to relieve me for some time during the day. I knew I would be the one taking care of her, but I think she and I both were surprised by the amount of work recovery would be. She was in the hospital from last Wednesday until Monday and then came to my house until this afternoon for me to care for her. While I woke up in the middle of the night to check on her, helped her to the bathroom, helped her shower, made her tea, cooked her soup, I couldn't help but wonder if this was a picture of what was to come.

I am my mom's only daughter, and as her only daughter it is assumed that I will be the primary caretaker of her and my step-father as they age and need assistance. I am honored to be the one to care for them. Honestly, I would be jealous and angry if anyone else tried to take that job away from me. No one knows my mom like I do, and with that said I don't believe anyone can take care of her like I can. However, with the tiny glimpse I've had this week with her pretty much needing me for every little thing she did, It's fair to say I've had the shizzz scared out of me. It is hard. And when I say hard I mean HARD. It is low down dirty frustrated teary-eyed nasty no-sleep hard. I did not want my mom to go back to her house today because I worry my step-dad won't give her enough attention, or be gentle enough or patient enough like I can be, but on the other hand, when she walked out the door I found myself wanting to do a happy dance and jump for joy. That makes me feel guilty.

I can deal with the cooking of the soup and the oatmeal and the hot tea. I can deal with the middle of the night calls to get help to the bathroom or more water. I can not deal with my mom being dependent. My mom is the epitome of independence. And for that to change, is scary. I have ran to my mom for everything in my life, depending on her shoulder, her advice, her care, and I do not want to be my mother's mother.

If I become my mother's mother, then I feel I no longer have a mother. And I need her. I hope the time when I need to be her permanent care giver is wayyyyy off into the future. So far off that I'll need MY daughter to care for the both of us, because I'll be so old right along with her. Ahhhh, that would be nice.....